Malcolm
Chapter 1.
Hunter Valley Farmer Malcolm McDonald was sitting on his front veranda waiting. He was waiting for someone he went to school with, not an old school friend, but someone from his school days. The School Principal was due at any time with a few students in tow, they were coming to interview Malcolm about his life and times. It was part of a student history project which would involve students interviewing a number of former students of their school.
Even though Malcolm had gone to school with the current School Principal they were not the best of friends back in those days. They weren’t enemies but not friends either, they did not move in the same circles, they were not part of the same groups. Back in their school days the School principal was a book reader, a bit more academic then Malcolm.
It did not take long before he could see a car coming up his driveway, it pulled up and the School Principal got out, waved at Malcolm and then two young people got out. They were young and just starting out on life’s great adventure, which made Malcolm feel old.
“Good Morning Malcolm,” said the School Principal.
“Hi,” replied Malcolm.
“This is Charlotte and Oliver,” said the School Principal.
“Aww mate, you better get you’re self up here and lets get this show on the road,” replied Malcolm.
Malcolm’s house was a typical old farm house, it was built by his Grand Father about a hundred years ago and then added to by Malcolm’s father. It had verandas all the way around, was clad in weather boards and was well maintained but showing its age. Just to one side of the front door there was an old small dinning room table surrounded by chairs.
“Sit your self’s down,” said Malcolm, then added, “aww mate now what would you like to know?”
“We’ll just set up some sound recording devises and we will get started,” said the School Principal.
Once the two students had set up the sound recorders and microphones the School Principal said, “Alright Malcolm Charlotte and Oliver will ask you questions and if you just answer them as best as you can.”
“Aww righty hoo, then, no problem,” replied Malcolm.
“What was our school like back in your day?” asked Charlotte.
“Aww mate, what was it like back in my day? Aww well this bloke here,” pointing at the School Principal, was a bit of a book worm, aww yerh, had his nose buried in a book all the time, hur hur hur, and now look at him, he’s the School Principal. But mate, aww mate, school was somewhere I didn’t want to be at, I’m sure it’s the same for you two, the more things change, the more things stay the same, who said that?” asked Malcolm, while looking at the School Principal.
“Frenchman, Jean Baptiste Alphonse Karr,” replied the School Principal.
“Aww mate, there you go, he knows everything, he’s the bloke you two should be talking to,” said Malcolm.
“Other students will be talking to Sir,” replied Oliver.
“Ah, you two got the short strew then,” said Malcolm, before pausing for a moment and then continuing, “let me tell you a story. School in my day compared to now was very different, no computers, we had books mate, books, aww yerh, the teachers wrote on the black board mate. Hey, and I can tell you what mate, hur hur hur, they could through a bit of chalk, aww yerh, it would come at you like a missile, hur hur hur, and yer’d have to duck out of the way, aww yerh. And sometime the teachers aim would not be that good and I’d cop it instead of Kevin who use to sit behind me, hur hur hur, ah mate.
And then there was the cane, hur hur hur, you know what that was, aww yerh, I’ll tell mate, it was a bit of stick, that’s what it was, about three feet long, that’s a metre in your money. And I tell you what, the teachers would hit you with it, aww yerh, hur hur hur, right across the hand mate, you’d stand there, hold yer hand out and they would take a big swing, aww yerh. Now I was a good kid so I never coped it but some of my friends did, aww yerh, I had this friend called Kevin, and I tell mate, he was always getting the cane, hur hur hur. Later in life he got the nick name, pants man Kevin, hur hur hur, aww yerh he was a bugger, mate. Not a bad boy more like a naughty boy, aww yerh, hur hur, pants man Kevin, hur hur hur.
Hey mate, just getting to school was an adventure, I can tell you, aww yerh, aww yerh, the bus stop was about five miles away, in old money, before the km’s came in. And mate I would ride that old bike to the bus stop each day in all weathers, aww yerh, aww yerh. I winter time, mate, it was a bit chilly, I can tell you, aww yerh, one year it snowed aww yerh, aww yerh. So you’d ride that bike in the rain, frost, and wind mate and that was just getting to the bus stop, aww yerh, aww yerh. Now mate the buses, arr mate, they were old and drafty, aww yerh, aww yerh, hur hur hur, mate, I think it was colder sitting on the bus than riding the bike, hur hur hur.
Then there was agriculture classes, aww yerh, we’d have to kill chickens, mate, pluck em, pull their guts out, the whole thing, mate, aww yerh, hur hur hur. And I was never keen on PE, you know what that was, jumping about that’s what that was, not much fun I can tell you, hur hur.
Now mate, hur hur, got say, school wasn’t all bad, aww no, aww no, it had its good side. Girls mate, aww yerh, hur hur hur, mate, school was the only time yer got to mix with the girls, mate, aww yerh, you know what I mean, hur hur hur.
Aww mate, as a young bloke back then, I have to say, I fell in love, that’s right, I did, I fell in love, first love, aww she was a good sort and still is. She’s a Grand Mother now but, aww she’s a good sort. Now mate I was young and silly, hur hur hur, maaate, and she was way out of my class but I didn’t care, aww mate, I didn’t. Now back in my day the girls use to watch the cricket, it was part of their social life, hur hur, mate. So I joined the cricket team to try and impress her but mate!!!! I couldn’t play cricket, aww no, aww no, couldn’t bowl, couldn’t bat, couldn’t catch, mate I was hopeless, hur hur hur, aww yerh.
So here I am at the first game of the season, dressed like a white leghorn chook, hur mate, and I get sent in as night watchman, but that’s alright, that’s alright, I’m at the non strikers end, now Kevin, he was at the other end, well, he played out the over, so all good. Aww mate, but the next day, well maaate, I was on strike, hur hur hur. The first ball whistled passed the outside edge of me bat straight through to the keeper, I didn’t even see it, aww mate, aww mate, and the wicket keeper commented on my late of skill, hur hur hur if you know what I mean.
Then the second ball hits the outside edge, but hur hur hur, goes straight to ground mate and through the slips down to third man. I get two runs, aww mate aww mate, I’m off the mark, can you believe it, hur hur hur, so I wave at the crowd. But mate I was really waving at this girl I had me eye on, aww mate, aww mate, but she wasn’t even watching.
The third ball hits the middle of the bat but dollies up to silly mid on and that’s it, I’m out for two, I’m done like a dinner. The fielding side grouped together congratulating themselves while I walk off, aww mate it’s a long walk off, I can tell you.
The captain of the cricket team comes out next, well is jaw come out first closely followed by the rest of him. Aww yerh, he was mister perfection, mate, not a hair out of place, like some sort of moving Greek statue, hur hur hur, mate. But to be fair, to be fair, he was a good guy, he said, ‘good job Malcolm,’ as he walked passed. Aww mate, aww mate, and as I walked through the crowd, the girl called out to me, ‘bad luck Malcolm,’ which cheered me up a bit, but not for all that long.
Aww mate, you know, life can be a crawl master, aww yerh, the cricket team captain scored a century in that game and was the hero of the school, aww yerh. I wasn’t even a foot note, aww know, aww know, just someone who was there. Aww mate, aww mate, now you got to remember I was young and silly so when I saw this girl I’ve gor me eye on, by herself at the end of the game, I walked over for a chat. Now I’m thinking mate, ok I can’t play cricket but, hur hur hur, may be I can impress her with my charm and charisma, but it turned out that I didn’t have any of that either, hur hur hur.
You know mate, not long after that and the Cricket Captain and this girl were keeping company, aww mate aww mate, I never had a chance, that was that, all over red rover. Aww mate, they went on to get married, have a couple of kid, one hair and one spare.
Aww mate, I don’t know, looking back at it, school did what it was suppose to do, it taught me to read, write, add up but more than that it taught me to think mate, think, that’s what it done, which is far more important. Yerh mate, looking back, like life, it was made up of good time as well as bad times, good teachers as well as some bad, it was what it was. Aww you know mate, I’m glade I’m from my time and not yours, aww yerh, aww yerh, now there’s a lot of good now but it lacks something, it lacks fun, it lacks joy, it has no sole. Aww mate Aww mate, that what it is, it has no sole, mate.
Malcolm
Chapter 2.
Aww mate, Aww mate, after school was all done and dusted, well mate, I went to agricultural college, down in the city, aww yerh. Now that’s a story for yer, hur hur hur, aww yerh mate, the big city is a very different sort of place, mate, I can tell yer.
Have you ever been there, ever been there? hur hur mate, now the first thing your guna notice is that it never gets dark, that’s right mate, it never gets dark. Doesn’t matter what time of night it is it just never gets dark, I’m telling you, mate. Their got street lights everywhere, mate, everywhere, so it just never gets dark. It’s more lit up then moonlight, its more like dusk, aww yerh mate, it just never gets dark.
Yerh mate, yerh mate, the other thing is that it never gets quite, mate, can you believe it, that’s right, it never gets quite. There’s cars going up and down the road, truck backing up with their, beep, beep noise, people walking around the streets talking. Mate, if I hear a car at night, well, mate, that means someone is coming to visit me, but not in the city, aww mate.
Hey, and you want believe this, but you even get people running around the street, hur hur hur, can you believe it, they ware cloths that look like their two or three sizes to big for them. That or they ware really tight cloths that leaves nothing to the imagination, aww yerh, aww yerh, I can tell you mate, hur hur hur, they call it jogging and aww aww mate, get this, they do it for fun, hur hur hur, how’s that mate, for fun.
And you want believe this one either, mate, yerh, hur hur hur, they take their dog for a walk, that’s right mate, they take their dog, tire a bit of rope to them and walk around the street with them, can you believe it. Aww mate, aww mate, its one of funniest things I ever seen. Arh maaate, can you imagine me tiring a bit of rope to poor old Bruce and then dragging her around the property, aww mate. Their weird mob in the city mate, I can tell yer.
Aww mate, I’ll tell you something else for nothing and this takes the biscuit mate, city people tell yer what to do, all the time, can you believe that. Aww mate aww mate, they just come out and tell yer what to do, it’s unbelievable mate. The first time it happened to me, well mate, I was taken aback aww yerh, aww yerh, didn’t know what to make of it.
I’d only been in the city for a few days, mate, you know, just getting settled in and I had a problem with the car. Now back then, well mate, I have to tell yer, I was going through my rebellious period, hur hur hur, you know what I’m saying. I was young and silly mate, there’s no other way to say it, I was still smarting about missing the boat, you know, with the girl I fancied marrying the Cricket Captain, it you know what I mean.
Aww mate, aww mate, I was rebelling a bit, that what I was doing, anyway, I was driving a hotted up Ford Zephyr, can you imagine that, mate.
It had wide wheels, driving lights, a wing on the back off a XY Ford Falcon, four on the floor, instead of four on the tree, hur hur hur, mate it was a beast, aww yerh, aww yerh. Anyway mate, the gearbox cross member broke, just broke in half mate yerh, so I had to take it off and I’ll tell what I did. Aww mate, I got a bit of steel from the hardware store, now I didn’t really have anywhere to work or many tools but I managed get it of, just in the car park of the student accommodation, where I was staying.
Now mate, Kevin was doing the same course and was staying at the same accommodation so he gave me a lift to an industrial estate, to find a welder, hur hur. Well mate, we found a welder easy enough, and I starts telling him to weld the cross member back together and then weld the bit of steel to the cross member as strengthening, you know what I’m saying.
Now mate, I would of done this me self if I was back home, its not rocket science, maaate, that or I would of got the local welder to get it done, yer know, if I didn’t have the time. Anyway, this bloke looks at it and then he asked me, “what is it? Aww mate, aww mate, now this took me aback a bit as know one had ever asked me something like that before. Hur hur hur mate, I didn’t quite know what to make of it, why was he asking, “what is it?” Anyway, I’m thinking, may be its just some city thing so I told him that it was a cross member of a Ford Zephyr.
And do you know what he said, aww mate, aww mate, you want believe me when I tell yer, hur hur hur. He told me that it wouldn’t work, I know, I know, unbelievable, hey, but that is what he said. Now mate, I’m totally confused, I didn’t know what to make of it, hur hur mate, so I sort of without thinking said, “this is a welders, that’s what you do,” and well mate that seemed to upset him and he told me to buy a new one.
Aww mate, aww mate, know one had ever said that to be before either and so I didn’t know what to make of it. So I picked up my bits and bobs and started to walk out when he then tells me that he can weld it but he wouldn’t guarantee it.
Who asked him to guarantee it? I thought to myself so I turned around and left all the bits with him. He told me to come back the next day and that is what he should of said in the first place and it’s what the local welder back home would of said, aww mate I tell yer these city people are odd, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Now mate, I go back the next day and he had welded the cross member back together, and he had done a good job, so I payed him, aww mate it cost more than I was expecting, I can tell yer. That’s something else city people do is charge a lot, aww yerh, mate. Anyway, mate I put the cross member back on the car and its been there ever since, if you were to go up the back to the old shed and crawl under the poor old Zephyr you would see its still there holding the gear box in.
Yer see mate, city people forget who they work for, aww yerh, aww yerh, they forget that they work for me. And I tell yer mate, its all of them mate, Doctors, Solicitors, Mechanics, they all forget who’s the boss and they start telling you what to do. Aww mate, aww mate, I tell yer, it’s the hardest thing to get use to when you go to the city, aww yerh. In the year I spent there I never got use to it, there a strange mob I can tell you, aww yerh real strange.
Hey I do have a story from my time in the big city, aww yerh, aww yerh, I went into a paper shop, you know a news agents, hur hur hur, and I was looking at the car magazines, aww yerh. Just looking to see what was there, looking for something to read, you know what I mean. Hur hur hur, now mate yer got to remember that I was going through my rebellious period and well, maaate. I was a student mate, hur hur hur, and I was dressed to the fashion of the day, mate, colourful shirt, I think it was called psychodelic, you know what I mean, flared jeans, and long hair, aww yerh. Can you picture that mate, me with long hair, and I mean long, it was bum length, mate, bum length, hur hur hur.
Now mate, this was the time of nudie pictures, mate, you know what I mean, now that actor, ‘Jack Thompson,’ remember him, he was in that movie, ‘Sunday to far away,’ well mate, he did a nudie picture in one of the women’s magazines, hur hur hur. Now I sort of saw, just out of the corner of me eye, a couple of women come into the shop and their were looking at magazines, you know.
Anyway they pick one and went over to the counter and then they open it up and show the girl behind the counter, hur hur hur, so all three are looking at this magazine when I walk up with me car magazine. Well one of the women shows me the magazine and asked me what I thought?
Aww mate, aww mate, you see, those women had only seen me from the back, with the long bum length hair, hur hur hur and they thought I was a woman, hur hur hur, mate. It wasn’t till they were showing me the magazine did they realise that I was a bloke, hur hur hur. Yer see mate, they were perving at the centre fold of nudie Jack in the magazine, aww yerh, aww yerh, hur hur hur.
Aww mate, aww mate I’ve lunched out on that story over the years I can tell yer, mate. Looking at me now, well you’d have to wonder how someone could take me for a woman. Aww mate, but back then I was as skinny as a match stick with the wood shaved off, aww yerh, and with the long hair, it was not that much of a stretch, well from the back anyway.
Aww mate, those two women went Ferrari red, payed for the magazine and got out of there but the poor girl behind the counter, hur hur hur, well, she couldn’t get away, she had to stay there and take my money for me car magazine, poor thing, hur hur hur.
Now mate, this college I was studying at had another campus, aww mate, like an annex mate, arr mate, it was down south, arr Leeton way I seem to remember. And well mate, they packed up all off down there for a few months to do some practical, like driving tractors, using chain saws, can you believe it mate. Teach me to drive a tractor, that’s something, I had been driving a tractor since I was about ten years old mate, aww yerh, aww yerh.
You know, I learnt to drive on an old International Farmall 06, arr mate, what a tractor that was, aww yerh, aww yerh, a real man’s tractor. You needed mussels to drive that old bugger I can tell yer, mussels on mussels. I use to have to stand up on the clutch peddle, just to push the clutch in, aww yerh, aww yerh.
And the steering, aww mate, talk about heavy, you had to heave on the steering wheel, aww yerh, aww yerh, no power steering on them old Internationals, aww know, aww know. I can remember driving that old International tractor with a big wire catch trailer in tow, right next to the old man driving the John Deere combine harvester, harvesting corn we were. Aww mate you had to have yer wits about yer doing that job, I can tell you, aww yerh, aww yerh.
I guess they would call that child labour now, hur hur mate, they might even call it child abuse, hur hur hur, maaate. But mate, I can tell you, it wasn’t, it was one off the best times of me life. I am the man I am thanks to those times, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Hey mate, hey mate, I’ll tell something about that time in Leeton, me Kevin and a few other blokes decided to go to Griffith, yer know, on a Saturday night. Just for a bit of night life, aww yerh, aww yerh, you know what I mean. Not really my thing but I decided to go along, hur hur hur, just for the fun of it, I was still in my rebellious period after all. I was driving me hotted up Ford Zephyr and Kevin was driving his hotted up EH Holden. Griffith was less than an hour away so we headed of with high expectations, as you do.
But Griffith was a quite country town, mate, no night life at all. We pulled up in the main street, parked and got out of the cars, now Griffith has parking in the middle of the road which a bit different, aww yerh, aww yerh. Within a few minutes the Police arrived and stoped on the road in front and behind our cars. Four Police officers got out of the cars and asked, some what forcefully, ‘where are you blokes from?’
Kevin replied with, ‘We are students from the agricultural college at,’ but before he could finish the Police ordered us ‘to get back there’ right now, no stops, no delays. Kevin being Kevin started to say something but I stoped him by pushing him towards his car and saying, ‘thank you officers we were just leaving.’
Now that would not happen these days, aww know aww know, hur hur hur, you know what I’m saying, different time, aww yerh, aww yerh.
It didn’t take long for me to grow out of my rebellious period and, well mate, I did graduate but I didn’t learn much at agricultural collage, after all I grew up on a farm. Aww mate, yer know, it was worth doing if only because it gave me the opportunity to see how the other half lived. Yerh mate, I’ll tell you what, we have it pretty good on the land, wouldn’t want to live in the city, aww know aww know.
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