Malcolm
Chapter 11.
Aww mate, you know, mate, life on the farm, well mate, you don’t get out much, so when something comes along that gives you an excuse to have a day out, well, mate, you grab it with both hands.
And well, mate, that something was Tocal Field Day each year, aww yerh, aww yerh. It’s a good day out, aww yerh, just looking at all the new tractors, chain saws, pumps, aww mate there’s a lot to look at aww yerh. But mate, I’ll tell yer what, you got to park a long way away and walk, aww yerh.
Now I’m walking through the car park and well, mate, I sports a familiar looking Ute, aww yerh, it the Granny’s Ute, aww she’s a good sort, aww yerh. She got this XA Falcon Ute, its sort of done up to look like a GT Falcon, aww yerh, it’s a nice piece of kit, I can tell yer, aww yerh. So any way, mate, I’m thinking, well I’m thinking I might bump into her, aww mate, now that is something to look forward to, aww yerh.
Aww mate, now mate I am there to look at the tractors as I was thinking about buying a new one, aww yerh. My current tractor is a John Deere and well mate, it’s not a bad old bus, it’s been pretty good over the years and mate, its still doing a good job. It’s just getting a bit old, hur hur hur, like me, but still up to the job, mate, if you know what I’m saying. Just might be a bit easier with a new tractor, all that new technology, hur hur hur, you know what I mean.
Any way mate, I’m walking along and I spots me Granny, aww she’s a good sort, she was looking at the McCullock chain saws, aww yerh. So I thinking, mate, what I’ll do is wonder over and say good’a, aww yerh, so I start walking over, tyring to look nonchalant, you know, a bit cool, when I hear from behind me, someone call out. Well mate I turns around and its one of me neighbours, and he wants to tell me all about his new cow and could he borrow the young bull Blossom.
Well mate, I’m telling him, yer no problems, yer know, just bring her around and Blossom will do his magic, no worries. I was doing my best to get rid of him but, mate, by the time I did, well mate, the Granny was gone. Aww yerh, aww yerh, gone mate, but I’m thinking, ‘not to worry, I’ll see her again,’ she’ll be right. So mate I keep wondering around, you know, just looking at the machinery, as you do.
Well mate, well mate, I come upon the John Deere stand, aww yerh, so mate, I’m looking at the John Deere tractors, you know, having a bit of a gander and well, mate, one catches me eye, so I had a closer look. It’s the one I’m thinking of buying, so I’m checking it out, if you know what I mean, mate. Just checking on how had it might be to work on and well, mate, just getting a feel for it. Any way mate, I climb into the cab, feels like a good sitting position, good view all round, controls were close to hand, I thinking may be this will do.
Aww mate, aww mate, then the sales man come over, aww mate, he starts giving me the hard sell, aww yerh, aww yerh, but mate, I’m having non of it, you know what I’m saying, hur hur hur. Any way mate, I sort off look down and I can’t see the clutch pedal, so I ask the sales man, ‘where the clutch pedal? And mate, you’ll never guess what the bugger said, you’ll never guess. He said, aww mate, he said, ‘its automatic’, that’s right mate, that’s what he said, can you believe it, I couldn’t believe it. An automatic tractor, what is the world coming to? Aww mate, aww mate, John Deere making an automatic tractor.
Aww mate, I’m thinking that I might be on some sort of hidden camera comedy show, you know the sort of thing, mate. But no, mate, this was for real, an automatic tractor, so I was out of the cab like a rat out of a drain, aww yerh, aww yerh. I said to the sales man, ‘what do you think I am, some sort of woos?’ He starts trying to tell me how great it is but mate, I’m not listening, aww know, aww know, I’m walking.
Aww mate, as I’m leaving the stand I sort of said to some blokes who were looking at the John Deere’s, ‘there automatic,’ and well mate those bloke said, ‘there automatic’ to the blokes near them and so on, and so on, it went around the field day like a tidal wave, mate, it did mate, aww yerh. I don’t think they sold any John Deere’s that day, aww know, aww know, aww mate, may be one, as the roomer is that pants man Kevin has a new John Deere. Would not surprise me, that Kevin always goes his own way, hey mate, hey mate, may be that’s Kevin’s secret, do outrageous things, and that will get the ladies, hur hur hur.
Any way mate, I was still in shock walking away from the John Deere stand when I spots me Granny again, aww mate, this time she’s looking at the Stihl chain saws, aww yerh. She must be after a new saw, mate, so I start walking over towards her all nonchalant, and doing my best to look cool. Then I hear from behind me, ‘hey Malcolm’, aww mate, its one of me neighbours, aww yerh.
He starts telling me all about his new dam that he just had built and how big it was. He ask’s me if he could borrow me pump as he wants to pump water from one dam to another so he can clean out the old dam. Well I’m just saying, ‘yer that’s great, no problem, any time,’ but mate by the time I gets ride of the bugger, well mate, me Granny’s gone, aww yerh. I’m starting to think that me and the Granny are just not meant to be, aww mate, aww mate.
So mate, so mate, I keep wondering around, just looking, as you do, I look at all sorts of tractors, Kobota, Kamatsu, even some made in Chekchoslovakia. Then I come upon the Massey Ferguson’s, now mate, my first tractor was a Massey Ferguson and it was alright, not a bad bus, so I stoped for a closer look. Before looking at anything, I checked for a clutch pedal, and it had one, aww yerh, aww yerh, and after a long look I thought to me self, ‘this’ll do’.
Aww mate, aww mate, now that I had done what I came for, well mate, I should call it a day and go home, aww yerh. But mate as I’m walking along, aww mate I see’s the Granny, aww mate she’s a good sort, aww yerh, so no mucking about this time, I’m heading straight for her. She’s looking at the Hasqvarna chain saws this time and mate nothing is going to stop me now, I’m on a mission.
But mate, but mate, before I get to her someone beats me to her, it’s that Kevin, aww yerh, pants man Kevin, aww mate, aww mate is this a bit of bad news, aww yerh. Pants man Kevin trying it on with me Granny, aww mate, it was like someone had stuck a pin in me balloon. According to Kevin he has a 90% success rate with the ladies, and here he is talking with me Granny. I just said to me self, ‘bugger’, and walked away, aww yerh, mate, just walked around for a while, looking but not looking at machinery.
Any way mate, after a while I decided to go home, aww yerh, call it a day, mate, but as I walked towards the car park I could smell sausages cooking, so mate, I followed me nose to the Country Women’s Associations stand. They were having a bit of a fry up, selling sausage sandwiches and much more, aww yerh, mate. So, I buys me self a sausage sandwich and I go to sit down to eat it, as you do. You see mate they had all these table and chairs set up with little umbrellas, sort of like an out door Café, you know what I’m saying.
Now mate, I’m sort off looking for somewhere to sit and mate I sports the Granny, aww yerh, mate, and mate you know who she’s with, aww mate, aww mate, you can guess, aww yerh, she’s with Kevin, that’s right mate, there she was sitting at a table having lunch with pants man Kevin. Aww mate, I just got out of there, aww yerh, headed towards me car, eating the sausage sandwich as I walked, aww yerh.
Aww mate, aww mate, what I should of done was go over and sat with them, aww yerh, I should of tried to put him off his game, aww yerh. That’s what I should of done, but I didn’t, aww know, aww know. I just wimped away, let him have a free rain, I don’t know mate, sometimes mate, aww mate.
Any way mate, I just headed home and got on with life, the new tractor arrived a few weeks later and aww it’s a nice thing, should see me out, just got to get use to driving the bugger, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Malcolm
Chapter 12.
Aww mate, aww mate, you know country life can be hard, aww yerh, and mate, lots of that hardship has to do with the weather, aww yerh, aww yerh. Floods mate, had a few them over the years, mate, aww yerh, aww yerh.
A few years back, aww mate couldn’t tell yer when, but a few years back, we had a flood, aww mate, it was a big one I can tell yer, aww yerh. It had been raining for a while and I don’t know, mate, I just had this feeling that it was set in. So mate, I decided to go to town and stock up a bit, you know what I’m saying. Now mate, I drive the Ute with a box trailer on the back, into town and stocked up on supplies, aww yerh, aww yerh.
By the time I got home that afternoon things were getting a bit soggy, aww yerh, as I drove over the bridge that’s at the entry to my property I could see that the creek way up, aww yerh, mate. That’s a sign that everything is full and the water is starting to run off, you know what I mean, mate.
Now mate, not far after the bridge, aww I don’t know, may be twenty metres, give or take a few metres, there are some pipes going under the driveway, aww yerh. Now mate a few weeks back I had some concrete delivered, aww yerh and as it turned out, mate, that concrete truck must off broken the pipes as the water was damming up on the top side of the driveway, aww yerh.
Aww mate, all that water around had made the driveway a bit soft so, mate, as I drive passed where the pipes were, well, mate, the old Ute just went straight down. Aww yerh, mate, straight down to its diff, mate, you know what I’m saying, aww mate.
So mate, I’ll tell yer what I did, I walked, in the rain mate, up to the shed and got the brand spanking new Massey Ferguson Tractor, never used it yet, mate, its clean mate, not a bit of dirt on it mate. Any way I drives it down to where the Ute was bogged, turn the bugger around, tire a chain to the front of the Ute and give it a tug, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Now mate, now mate, this tractor is four wheel drive, turbo charged, its all singing, all dancing, aww yerh, it’s the bees knees, so mate, I’m a bit over confidant in the technology, aww yerh. You’ll never guess what happen, mate, aww yerh, all four wheels started to spin and within seconds the bugger dug itself four holes and its bogged, aww yerh, aww yerh, bogged, mate, down to its diffs, can you believe it, aww mate.
Aww mate, aww mate, I’m in a bit of trouble here, aww yerh, this part of the driveway goes under water during floods and the Ute, box trailer and me new tractor were bogged, aww mate. So mate all I could do was go back up to the shed and get the old John Deere, aww yerh but this time I’m using me noggin.
I’ll tell yer what I did, I got the longest chain I had and I tire it to the Massey Ferguson, aww mate, I then run the chain out till I find a bit of the driveway that’s ferm, you know what I’m saying. Any way, mate I tired the other end of the chain to the poor old John Deere. Then mate, I dug a trench in front of each wheel of the Massey Ferguson, aww mate, so that it’s got an easy way out, if you know what I’m saying.
Now mate, now mate, I un-tire the chain from the Ute, aww yerh, aww mate, I’m ready to give it a tug but, mate, there’s a lot of died weight to pull, aww yerh, aww yerh. But mate, but mate, just then I spots a familiar looking Ute pulling into me driveway, aww mate, it’s the Granny’s Ute, aww she’s a good sort, aww yerh.
Any way mate, she wonders over and asked if I needed a hand, well mate, I did need a hand, so I asked her to drive the new Massey Ferguson while I give it a bit of a tug with the poor old John Deere. Now mate I start tell her how to drive it, aww mate, when she tells me she knows how, as she’s just bought one herself, aww mate, hur hur hur.
Aww mate, aww mate, so we get our self’s organized, I give her a wave and we pop the clutches, and mate, you want believe it mate, the new Massey Ferguson just pops out of the mud, just like that. Once we undone the chain she kept driving the Massey Ferguson up to the shed and I followed along with the John Deere, aww mate. She then climbed onto the mug guard of the poor old John Deere and we headed back to do the same with the Ute and trailer, aww mate, and I tell yer mate, it was raining, aww yerh.
So mate, we pulls the Ute and trailer out, no problems, aww know, aww know, un-tired the chain off the Ute and the Granny, aww she’s a good sort, drove it up to the shed and I drove the old John Deere, aww yerh. Now mate the driveways got a bit cut up with all the back and forth traffic with the tractors so the Ute was making heavy weather of it, aww yerh. I could see in the rear view mirror the Ute sideways, the limited slip diff howling, rooster tails flying off the rear wheels, aww that Granny can drive.
Any way mate, we get up to the shed, get all the vehicles under cover and well mate, you should off seen us, we looked like a cupel of drowned possums, aww yerh, aww yerh. Now mate, in the movies when the Hero and Heroine get wet in the rain, the Hero, aww mate, James Bond or Gary Grant, or one of them Hero blokes, will say something like, ‘you better get them cloths of before you catch your death.’ Hur hur hur mate and before you know it, their got the gear of rolling around in the hay, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Now mate, aww mate, without thinking I said, ‘you better get them cloth of before you catch your death,’ hur hur hur mate, she gives me a look. It was a look that said, aww mate, aww mate, that she was thinking about it, but she said, ‘I better get home before the weather gets worse’.
Aww mate, hur hur hur, that was a close run thing, aww yerh, aww yerh. Any way mate, I gives her and old jacket that was lying around the shed and we climbed onto me old Yamaha bike and I gave he a lift back to her Ute. Aww mate I have to say that was a nice ride down me driveway with the Granny, aww she’s a good sort, on the back of the bike with her arms around me holding tight, aww yerh, aww yerh, I can tell yer.
Aww mate, by the time we got back to her Ute the water in the creek was just under the bridge and there was a good foot of water over the driveway where the Ute was bogged. She got of the back of my bike, aww yerh mate, got into her Ute, gave me a wave, backed out of my driveway and drove away. Aww mate, aww mate, another opportunity lost, its has been a life time of opportunity’s lost.
Now mate, I can tell you, it was raining, aww yerh, aww yerh, but I still had things to do, I needed to get the Ute and trailer unloaded to make sure nothing got wet, aww yerh. Luckily the farm is set up pretty good when it comes to bad weather so it wasn’t long before I could get in out of the rain.
It was still raining a few days later, aww yerh, aww yerh, so me and Petal went for a ride around the farm, just to check on everyone, aww yerh, but even though there was a lot of water about all was well, aww mate. All the cattle were taking shelter amongst the wind breaks as were the sheep and all the poultry were dry, aww mate but the corn crop was under water, aww yerh, that would be slime by the time the water dropped, I can tell you.
But mate, but mate, even that would work out for me as all that flood water brought with it a lot of nutrients so I ended up getting a bumper crop of that paddock after I re-sowed it, aww yerh, aww yerh.
The only real damage after the flood waters had dropped was that me bridge had washed away, aww yerh, aww yerh, it was about one hundred metres down stream. That bridge had been there a long time, me and the Old Man built that bridge, aww yerh. Had to use a different way in and out of the property for the next few months until I built a new bridge, and mate, that involved driving across the creek further down stream, aww yerh.
I have to tell you mate, aww that was not a lot of fun, aww know, once I got the Ute out I had to leave it out, aww yerh, had to drive the old Land Rover from the house to the creek crossing as the crossing way too rough for the Ute, aww yerh, lots of big rocks, I can tell yer.
Building the new bridge was a bit of a mission, I can tell yer, aww yerh, took me back to when me and the Old Man built the first bridge, aww yerh, aww yerh. But mate, this time I was working alone, aww yerh, but I built it in much the same way, I’ll tell yer what I did. Luckily the two big logs either side of the creek were still there so all I had to do was get some longs from the bush paddock over the back of the property and drag them with the Dozer to the creek.
Then mate, aww mate it took some doing, pushing, lifting, sliding, dragging logs into place with the Dozer or the old John Deere. The chain saw got a bit of a work out as well cutting all them logs but mate the best thing was a mobile saw mill that I bought, aww yerh. This mobile saw mill was like a big band saw, had a glorified lawn mower engine, aww yerh, but it did the job. I will tell yer same thing for nothing, mate. I cut all the planks for the bridge with that mobile saw mill, aww yerh, aww yerh.
That Kevin, you know, pants man Kevin, stoped as he was driving by one day when I was working on the bridge and, mate, the bugger asked me, ‘why I wasn’t building a culvert?’ He said, ‘it would be more economical, more practical, more sensible,’ now mate, I have known Kevin all me life, but he still shocks me with some of the things he says and does. You know mate, a few years back, Kevin grow a crop of genetically engineered canola. Aww mate, what can I say, well I don’t have to say anything more about Kevin.
You know mate, aww mate, aww mate, there are three words in this life that you should never use, aww yerh, mate, and you should never live by them either, aww know, aww know. And they are, economical, practical and the worst one of them all, sensible, aww maaate, you know you’ve lost the plot when you start using those words and its time to check your self into a funny farm once you start living your life by them, aww yerh, aww yerh, I can tell you.
And mate, and mate, aww yerh, there is something about a bridge at the entrance to a farm, aww yerh, a bridge says a lot about the farmer that owns that farm, aww yerh, mate. It says that he is a good bloke, someone with ethics, honest and reliable, aww yerh, aww yerh. As you drive across the bridge and hear that, ‘bumpity bumpity,’ sound, well mate, it re-assures you that you are safe and all it well. Now mate, now mate you will never get that from a culvert, aww know, aww know.
Aww mate, while I was working in that area I replaced the pipes in the driveway and built the driveway up a bit with road base gravel, aww yerh, so I shouldn’t have the same problem again, aww know, mate.
Bad weather is all part of life on the land, aww yerh, aww yerh, so if you choice a farming life then yer got to except that sometimes yer guna have some bad weather, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Copy right Jim Pope 2024
youtube.com@jimpope9410