Malcolm
Chapter 15.
Aww mate, aww mate, sometimes things happen that are just out of the blue, you would never off expected them, aww yerh, mate, a while back, I got arrested, can you believe it, arrested. Now mate that was something I never expected, I can tell yer, aww know.
It was just another day like any other, I was running a bit late, slept in a bit, I don’t know it was about five thirty, the sun was just popping its nose up, aww yerh. I was out feeding the chooks, I’ve got some free range chooks, as well as the ducks and geese, aww yerh, when I sees, aww mate, it must have been five cars driving up me driveway.
Now mate, one car driving up me driveway is not that common but five, aww well, that’s something else, aww yerh, aww yerh. As they got a bit closer I could see, well sort of, mate, you know, the sun was only just coming up, but mate, I could see that the last car was the local coper’s beat up old four wheel drive. Aww mate, they all pulled up outside the house and all these copers jump out and run towards the house. So mate, I walk over to George, the local coper, and just said, ‘Good’a George,’ and he replied with, ‘how are you, Malcolm?’ ‘Aww not to bad, mate,’ I replied, and then I asked him, ‘what’s going on?’
He told me that they were here to arrest me, aww right, here to arrest me, so I asked, what for? And he told me, it was for growing marijuana in my corn field. Growing marijuana in me corn field, aww mate, I only harvested the corn a few weeks back and I didn’t see anything out of place, aww know, aww know. Now mate, this has got to be some sort of mistake so I wonder over to what looks like the head man to sort it out.
Aww mate, aww mate, just as I was about to talk to this bloke I notice all these copers on me front veranda, and mate two off them have got this big, well what looked like some sort of battering ram in the hands. And mate, it looked like they were about to knock me front door down, can you believe it, mate.
So mate, so mate, I tells this head man, that the front door want be locked, aww mate, so this head man gets on the radio, now mate, these guys are only over there, you know not far away. Any way he gets on the radio and tell them to check the door, which they did, then they all ran through me front door. Hur hur hur, mate, I hears a lot of crashing and banging and then the radio crackles with, clear, clear, clear.
The thing is mate, I don’t use the front door, so mate, I had a coffee table in front of the front door, so, hur hur hur, all those copers fell over the coffee table as they ran through me front door, hur hur hur, aww mate.
Now mate, now mate, I’m standing next to this head man just about to ask him, ‘what’s this all about?’ When mate, I can see the wheels slowly turning in this blokes head, he asked me, ‘who are you?’ Aww mate, now we are still dealing with the virus and we’re not suppose to shack hands but mate, it’s a habit, so I stick me hand out and said to him, ‘hey, I’m Malcolm McDonald.’
Well mate, this head coper grabs some handcuffs and before I know it I’m handcuffed, aww yerh, handcuffed, can you believe it, aww mate. Well mate, by now the copers in me house are come back, aww mate, the problem is mate, there is a nesting goose under the stairs, on the front veranda. And mate, when the copers went in the house, old Mary the gander was off eating his breakfast, aww yerh, well now the buggers back and he’s not happy, aww know, aww know.
So mate, when Mary sees these copers, aww mate, he’s chargers, wings out and mate he grabs this coper, hur hur hur, mate, where he doesn’t want to be grabbed, aww know, aww know, if you know what I mean. Mary’s hanging on for all he’s worth, flapping his wings and making a hell of a racket. Well mate, the coper gets such a shock that he slips over in the mud, and mate, another coper tries to help his mate, hur hur hur, and he goes over as well. Aww mate, what a sight, two copers rolling around in the mud with Mary going to town on them, aww mate, me and George just broke up laughing, aww mate we just could help it.
But then things got a bit serous, mate, aww yerh, one the other coper’s pulls out what looked like a gun, aww and mate, it looked like he was going to shot poor old Mary. Aww mate, he fires this thing off, but old Mary gone mate, he’s over near his nest, hooking and spruiking to his mate, aww mate, hur hur hur. Thing is mate, what I thought was a gun, was some sort of electric shock thingy and, your never guess mate, this coper missed Mary and hit his mate lying in the mud. Aww mate, the poor coper lying in the mud is shaking and wiggling all over the place, hur hur hur, aww yerh.
Any way mate, it took a while but the coper’s eventually got themselves organized and they took me into town to the cop shop, aww yerh, aww yerh. They put me into an interview room and they start doing the good cop, bad cop rutin on me. One cop is trying to be all friendly, trying to engage with me about farming, and talk about me animals, while mate, the other cop is telling me that I will be going to jail for a long time and how I am such a bad person, aww mate.
Aww mate, they wanted to know were I got the seed from, who I sold it to, and well mate, they just kept asking the same question, aww yerh, aww yerh. All I could say was that I bought the seed from the produce store and sold the corn to Kalongs. The bad cop is calling me a ‘smart ass’, and that there was thirty copers out at my place pulling up my crop, aww yerh. When I asked what crop, they said the crop I had growing in my corn field. Hur hur hur mate, all I could say was that they shouldn’t bother as I would be ploughing it all in, in a week or so. They told me that it would all be photographed, and then burnt, and mate, the photographs would be used as evidence against me, aww yerh.
So mate, so after a while the bad coper left the room, aww mate, while he was gone the other cop tried to be friendly, asking me, ‘how long I had lived in the area?’ and ‘asking if I wanted some coffee?’ Mate I don’t drink coffee, awful stuff.
Then mate, the bad cop comes back and mate, he’s got a plant in his hand, aww mate, he bangs it down on the desk and then tells me that the amount of this that I’ve got growing will mean I will go to jail for a very long time and that all my property would be taken, aww yerh.
Well mate, well mate, I looks at it, I pick it up, and well mate I tells him that it’s a bit of Stinking Rodger, a weed, then mate I tell him that there would be hundreds of acres of Stinking Rodger growing in the district as it comes up in corn fields after harvesting.
At this point, George, who was standing near the door, I think he was there to guard the door, that or he was a witness, I don’t know, but mate, at this point, George just breaks up laughing. The bad cop looks at George and then grabs the bit of Stinking Rodger and takes it over to George and asks him, while waving it in his face, ‘is this a weed?’
George, hur hur hur, mate, can’t stop laughing to answer him, aww know, but he does manage to nod his head. Aww mate, I start laughing, hur hur hur, as both copers leave the room, aww yerh. Then mate, then mate I hear lots of raised voices from outside, lots of stomping around, then it all went quite.
After a while the local Sargent come in, now mate, the local Sergent is a good bloke, he’s fair, but old school, mate, old school, aww yerh. Any way he come in, now mate I have never seen him smile, not on duty any way, well mate he had a big smile on his face, aww yerh. He has a go at George for laughing and then tells me that there is no charge and I can go, aww mate. George took me home and that was that, aww mate, that was the day I got arrested.
I got to say, mate, aww mate, this was a real tonic for the district, aww yerh, with the virus, you know, everyone in the district were feeling a bit down and aww mate. This story cheered everyone up, aww yerh, aww yerh, it just brought a smile to everyone’s face, aww yerh.
Aww mate, I had to feel sorry for them copers, you know, they were a bit like a duck out of water, aww mate, city copers in the country. Their probably good copers when dealing with gangsters and the like, they just didn’t know what Stinking Rodger was, hur hur hur, but its still funny, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Malcolm
Chapter 16.
Aww mate, I got me self a new hat but mate, I didn’t buy it, aww know, aww know, it was a present, mate.
Aww mate, the old hat was getting a bit tired, a bit thread bear, aww yerh, well mate I had it a long time, aww yerh. Aww mate, the poor old hat got a bit wet during a big storm and not to put too fine a point on it, it shrunk, aww yerh. So mate, it wasn’t fitting any more, aww know, it sort of sat on top of me head, aww yerh. So it was always falling off mate, that’s about the size of it.
Now mate, now mate I was doing some work in the retirement paddock one day, when the old bull Flower decided to have a go at me, aww yerh. The old bugger came charging across the paddock at me, and aww mate, I took off, aww yerh. Now mate, I’m a fare way from the fence mate and aww mate I’m not getting any younger, but I’m running, aww yerh.
Well mate, the hat came off while I was running, aww yerh, and I was not going to stop to pick it up, aww know, aww know. Well mate, that turned out to be a good thing, aww yerh, old Flower decided to have a go at me hat, aww yerh. Now mate, that gave me time to get away and over the fence. This wasn’t the first time old Flower had given me hat a bit of a work out, aww know.
But mate, old Flower got stuck in to me hat, aww yerh, I can tell yer, aww yerh, really grand it into the ground, aww yerh. Aww mate, that part of the paddock was a bit mucky, a bit muddy, aww yerh, so the old hat got a bit dirty, hur hur hur, mate.
After old Flower got bored with playing with me old hat I went and rescued it, aww mate, it was in a bit of a bad way. Covered in muck and mate, pushed all out of shape, it was buggered, aww yerh.
I spent a bit of time trying to fix it and I have say, aww mate, I got it back in shape but mate, it had a smell to it which I hoped would fad after a while.
Now mate, I was in town and I saw the Granny, or she’s a good sort, and well mate, she commented on the hat, aww yerh. So I started giving some thought to buying a new one but mate, before I had the chance, aww mate. I came home to find a new hat on me back door step, it was a birthday present from the Granny, aww she’s a good sort.
That’s how I got me self a new hat and mate, I’m still wearing it, aww yerh.
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