Malcolm
Chapter 17.
Aww mate, aww mate, farming can be a bit of a guessing game, you know what I’m saying mate, Aww mate yer got to guess what crop to plant next, aww yerh, mate, you can do your research, you can study crop reports, but mate, at the end of the day, it’s a guess, aww yerh, aww yerh. Some years I plant corn, some year’s wheat and some year’s sorgum, aww yerh.
Now mate, now mate, I bought this Drone, aww yerh, one of me neighbours bought one and mate, he was using it to check on his crops and fence lines, aww yerh. Aww mate, checking on your crops and fence lines is one of the best jobs on a farm, aww mate, riding the bike or driving the Ute around the farm, you know, just me and Bruce, aww mate, its just so peaceful, aww yerh, aww yerh. So mate why do it with a Drone? Aww mate I don’t know, but mate I could see some uses for one so I bought one, aww yerh. And mate, even if it’s useless, hur hur hur, it might be fun to fly, hur hur hur, mate.
Any way mate, I gets this thing, the Drone, and I teach me self to fly it, crashed it a few times, flow it into a bush, mate, had a few crash landings, aww yerh. But mate, after a while I got the hang of it, well good enough to fly around a bit, aww yerh.
So mate, so mate, I decide to fly it over me wheat crop, aww yerh, just to check it out, you know what I’m saying. Now mate, I had a good crop of wheat in that year, and mate, it was just about ready to harvest, aww yerh. It just needed another week or two, so I was keeping an eye on the weather and getting all the machinery ready, aww yerh, mate.
So mate, here I am flying the Drone over the wheat, and mate, it all looked pretty good, aww yerh. Then mate, I sees what looked like one of them crop circles, aww yerh, you know the sort of thing, they get a lot of them in England. So I fly over it to have a closer look, just to check it out, aww mate, it was about six feet round and the wheat had just been, sort off bushed down, aww yerh, mate. At first I’m thinking that may be a cow had got into me wheat crop, but mate, this was too well done for a cow, aww yerh. I’ve see what cows do when they get into the wheat, aww yerh, and mate, this was not like that, aww know.
Any way mate, I decided to fly up high, just to have a look at the whole field, and mate, aww mate, there was half a dozen off these crop circles, aww yerh. But mate, they weren’t like the Pommy ones, aww know, they were all over the place, just random, you know what I’m saying. The Pommy ones, mate, there sort off got a batten to them, hur hur hur, mate.
I think those Pommy ones are suppose to be like some space ship had landed, hur hur hur. Now mate, that would be something, hur hur hur, aliens landing in me wheat crop. Hur hur hur, mate, come to probe me, hur hur hur, aww mate, can you imagine that, aliens probing me, I don’t like the sound of that, hey mate.
Aww mate, aww mate, I decides to fly back down and have a closer look at each of them, and mate, they all seemed much the same, aww yerh. But mate, as I was looking at the last one mate, well there seemed to be something in it, aww yerh, it was sort off pale and long and skinny. So mate, I fly a bit closer and you will never guess what it was, aww know, mate, I’ll tell yer what it was mate. It was a bear bum looking back at me, aww yerh, mate, a bear bum, it was a bear everything, arr, now mate I was not expecting that, aww know.
Aww mate, it was a courting couple having some, aww, arr,,,, quality time together in me wheat field, aww yerh, aww yerh. Hur hur hur, mate, can you believe it, hur hur hur, mate, a courting couple in me wheat field, now I’ve see everything, hur hur hur, you know what I mean, mate, you know what I mean, hur hur hur, mate.
So mate, here’s this couple, in the buff, in me wheat field, and well mate, they hear the Drone, mate, aww yerh. So mate, they jump up and start running through the wheat crop, heading for the state forest that borders my place, hur hur hur, mate. I’ll tell yer something for nothing, mate, I don’t fancy running through a wheat crop that’s ready for harvest, hur hur hur, in the buff, aww know, aww know. That wheat gets pretty sharp and prickly when it’s ready to harvest, I can tell yer, hur hur hur, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Any way mate, I fly the Drone away, you know, just to give then some privacy, hur hur hur, mate. After all mate, they were just a young couple, hur hur hur, mate, just ‘enjoying themselves’, if you know what I mean, there’s know harm in it. OK then, yes, may be they cost me a few bags of wheat from what they knocked down, but mate, in the scheme of things, it’s not much.
Aww mate, aww mate, its funny how things change over time, aww yerh, how thing come and go with fashion, aww yerh. I was talking to one of me neighbours and he has teenage kids, aww yerh, mate. And he was telling me that it’s all the fashion for young people to ‘enjoy themselves’, in the buff, in a wheat or corn field, al fresco, mate, hur hur hur. In my day, it was in the back seat of a Ford Zephyr, at the Drive Inn, aww yerh, aww yerh, hur hur hur.
Aww mate, people are funny, mate, aww yerh, it seems to me that old people don’t like young people having fun, aww know, have you noticed that, mate.
Take that Elvis, remember him, Elvis the pelvis, remember him, aww mate, swivelling his hips, mate, remember that, arr mate. You know mate, they wanted to arrest him for that, imagine that, arrest him for swivelling his hips. Sound ridicules now doesn’t it, but back in my younger days, aww mate, that’s how it was.
But mate, but mate, nothing has changed, aww know, you still hear people, older people saying things like, ‘aww that shouldn’t be aloud’ or ‘that should be banned’, just because they don’t like it, aww yerh mate. Just because they don’t like young people having fun, you know what I’m saying.
Aww mate, I’ll give you an example, yer, when I was a young bloke, Kevin, pants man Kevin, well he had a hotted up EH Holden, not a bad thing, not a bad thing, aww yerh, and mate, he put 195/70 13 inch tyres on the EH, aww yerh. Now mate, this was considered outrages, aww yerh, way too wide, hur hur hur, mate. Do you know what a EH had on it from new, mate, hur hur hur, well mate, it was a cross ply tyre, not a radial, and talk about skinny, aww mate. I’ll tell you how much grip they had, bugger all that’s how much grip they had, aww yerh. Mate, you would be hard pressed finding a car these days with a 195/70 13 tyre, aww know, their all a lot wider now, aww yerh.
So mate, back then, just like now, older people don’t like what younger people were doing, not because of logic, not because science, aww know, but just because they didn’t like it, aww yerh. Now mate it could also be because old people can’t or have forgotten how to have fun, you know what I’m saying, mate.
Aww mate, I’ll give you another example, I was standing in the street talking to another farmer, we had just come out of the monthly Farmers Federation meeting. And mate, this young bloke drives by, he was driving one of them, Godzilla Nissans, Nissan Skyline, turbo charged, all singing all dancing, sort of cars. Now mate, now mate, the young bloke gives it a bit of a rev, aww mate, and it makes that noise, you know the noise, bulop, bulop, that turbo cars make.
Aww mate, this farmer goes off, ‘aww that should be banned, that should be put of the road,’ he tells me, and then goes on to tell me that the world will end because of the younger generation. All because some young blokes car goes, bulop, bulop, aww mate, what’s it matter, its just young people being young people. In my day it was long hair and flared jeans and the bloke I was talking to had both of them when he was a young bloke.
Any way mate, after he had finished his rant, well mate, I changed the subject, I asked him about his new tractor. And mate, he talked about how good it was, how it could sing and dance as well as whistle waltzing matilda. After he had finished I asked him if it was the turbo diesel model and he said it was and then boasted about how powerful it was. So I then asked if it went bulop, bulop, when he gave it a rev. Hur hur hur, mate, he got the shits with me and walked off, hur hur hur, mate.
You know mate, have you every noticed how things change over time, aww yerh, I find that interesting, mate. Way back, when I was a young bloke, all the farms around had a picture on their living room wall of their farm, taken from the air, mate. The bloke that use to do the crop dusting use to take them from his plane and sell them to everyone, aww yerh. Well mate, everyone loved these pictures, they took pride of place on their walls and everyone would point them out to any visitors, aww yerh.
But mate, fast forward to now-a-days and it’s all different, aww yerh, if some bloke came along and flow a Drone over peoples properties taking pictures and then tried to sell the pictures. Aww mate, aww mate, imagine that, all hell would break loss, people would call the copers. It would be an invasion of their privacy, aww mate. Now mate, why has that changed, why was a picture of the farm from the air a wonderful thing at one point in time, and awful thing, a crime, not all that many years later, hur hur hur. I don’t know mate, I really don’t know, aww well, mate.
Malcolm
Chapter 18.
Now mate, now mate, farming is a dangerous game mate, aww yerh, I was at a meeting of the Farmers Federation when it was talked about, aww yerh, aww yerh. And mate, yer would be surprised by the number of farmers that get themselves killed working the land, aww yerh, on average, mate, it’s between thirty and fifty a year, aww yerh.
Aww mate, its all sorts of things that get them, animals, tractors, bikes, chain saws, as well as, Utes, aww mate, and them, quad bikes, they get a few, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Aww yerh, mate, I’ve had a few close calls over the years, aww yerh, I can tell yer, that old bull, Flower has tried to get me a few times. And mate, Petal, the horse, he’s had a few goes as well, aww mate then there’s the Dozer, I’ve had a few close calls with that, aww mate.
But mate, its not just those things that can get yer, aww know, sometimes it’s the little things that will get you. I had a bit of a close call with a crow bar, aww yerh, you know what happened, well mate, I’ll tell yer.
Mate, I had a broken fence that needed fixing, aww yerh, you see mate, I retired the old bull, Flower, a bit to soon, as he is still keen on performing his bull-ly duties, hur hur hur, if you know what I mean. And well mate, the old bugger broke through the fence between the retirement paddock and the main herd. There was a rotten fence post and old Flower just walked over it, hur hur hur, the bugger.
So mate, I drives the Ute right up to the top corner of the retirement paddock and start working on fixing the fence. The first thing I had to do was dig out the old rotten post and replace it, so I’ve got the crow bar, gigging away. Dig a bit with the crow bar then shovel the dirt out followed by digging with the crow bar, if you know what I mean.
Any way mate, I dug with the crow bar and then just drove it into the ground, bent down to pick up the shovel, well mate, the crow bar hadn’t gone into the ground enough so as I bend down, the crow bar falls over and hits me in the scone, mate, right on the noggin. Aww mate, aww mate, I didn’t see that one coming, I can tell yer.
Aww mate, it didn’t knock me out or anything but mate, I was seeing starts, I can tell yer, aww yerh. So mate, I struggle to me feet and mate, I’m a bit wobbly, aww yerh, so I sit on the tail gate of the Ute for a while, just till things settle down, aww yerh. Old Bruce comes over and sits at me feet, aww mate, animals never stop surprising me, aww know. All them scientists that keep saying that they are just dum animals have never worked with them, aww know. Bruce knew I had something wrong, aww yerh, know question, mate.
So mate, so mate, after a while I decided to call it a day and head home, I can always fix the fence another day, so me and Bruce climb into the Ute and start driving down the hill. Aww mate, I was just driving slowly, first gear mate, when the front wheel of the Ute goes into a rabbit hole, and mate, the steering wheel pulls out of me hands. And mate, the Ute starts to spin around. aww mate, all the way around, aww yerh. I’m rolling around inside the Ute, no seat belt, mate, I’m only driving across the paddock in first gear, hur hur hur, Bruce ends up on me lap, aww mate.
Now mate, now mate I was heading toward a gate in the bottom corner of the retirement paddock, and well mate, there is a dam just near the gate, aww yerh. Aww mate, it’s been a bit dry, so the dam is about half empty and were the water would be normally, is now mud, aww yerh, aww yerh. Any way mate, when the Ute stops spinning, it’s lined straight up with the dam and mate, before I know it, the Ute goes nose first into the mud, hur hur hur, aww yerh.
Aww mate, I try to open the door but the Ute it to far into the mud, I can’t get the door open, so mate, I climb out the window. Luckily, those XB Falcon Utes have big windows, I can tell yer, any way I climb out and just fall into the mud, aww yerh. But mate, the mud’s got me, I’m stuck, it’s sucked me in, I can’t move, hur hur hur. Bruce follows me out the window and mate, all four doggy legs go straight into the mud and she’s going know were. aww know.
Well mate, well mate, here I am stuck in the mud, aww mate, I don’t know what I’m going to do, aww know. Now mate, I’m on the boundary of my place here and there’s a road just on the other side of the fence, and well mate, I sees a Ute coming along the road, so mate, I starts waving. Aww mate, when the Ute pulls up, well mate, you’ll never guess who it is, it’s me Granny, aww she’s a good sort.
Now mate, she climbs through the fence and comes over to me, aww mate, she has a good laugh, aww yerh, aww yerh, and well mate, it was a funny site, hur hur hur.
Aww mate, once she stoped laughing, she got some fence post out of the Ute and put them on top of the mud, sort of like building a bridge, aww yerh. Then she got a rubber mat from the floor of the Ute and put that on top of the fence post, which made a platform she could crawl out on, aww yerh.
Any way mate she crawls out onto this platform and the first thing she does is get Bruce out. Aww mate, got to have your priorities right, get the dog out first. Then she grabs me by the arm and starts trying to pull me out, aww yerh, then Bruce gets in on the act and grabs hold of the sleeve of me shirt and starts pulling as well, aww yerh. Nothings happening, aww know, I’m not moving, the mud got hold of me, aww yerh.
And then mate, all of a sudden the mud lets me go and I’m out, aww yerh, so I crawl up onto the platform and just lay there for a while, aww yerh. If fact mate, it was quite nice laying there, next to the Granny, aww she’s a good sort, Bruce next to her, all of us covered in mud, hur hur hur. And mate it was that sticky sort of mud, that sticks and sticks, so you end up six inches taller that normal, yer know what I’m saying. Now mate, this was the best opportunity I had ever had to make a move on the Granny, aww yerh, mate, but I didn’t, aww mate, aww mate.
We headed over to her Ute and we went to her place, she had an outside shower next to the tank, bit of a concrete slab, so we used that to get the mud off our cloths, Bruce was not all that keen, aww know. And mate, while we were doing this the Granny, aww she’s a good sort, starts get her gear of, aww yerh, down to her under wear, aww mate. Hur hur hur, so mate, I did too, down to the under wear, hur hur hur, aww mate, I have to tell yer mate, I glad that was a cold shower, aww yerh, aww yerh, hur hur hur, maaate.
Aww mate, aww mate, she gave me an old pair of overall to wear and then mate, she invited me to dinner, aww yerh. So mate, that was one of them times were a bad thing, getting hit in the head with a crow bar and getting the Ute stuck in the mud. Turned into a good thing, aww yerh, having dinner with the Granny, aww she’s a good sort.
Aww mate, yet another opportunity lost, aww yerh, mate, nothing changes, some things in this life never change, and mate, I’m one of them, aww yerh.
Copy right Jim Pope 2024
youtube.com@jimpope9410