Malcolm
Chapter 19.
Hey mate, hey mate, during a Farmers Federation meeting it was decided to make a nuddy calendar, a comic nuddy calendar, to sell, just to raise money for charity, now that’s a good thing, aww yerh. Now mate, they found eleven blokes easily enough but know one wanted to be the twelve man, aww know. Then some wag nominated me, aww mate, aww mate, I tried to get out of it mate, but mate, I couldn’t, so mate, I ended up, Farmer July, aww yerh.
So mate what happened was mate, they decided to take pictures of me working on the Ute in the shed mate, in the buff mate, aww yerh. But mate they had to get the angle right, hur hur hur, so that there was a tool box, you know mate, just in the right place, hur hur hur, mate, to hide the bits and bobs, hur hur hur.
Now mate, now mate, in order to get the calendar made in time for Christmas, well mate the pictures had to be taken in June, aww mate, June. Aww mate, aww mate, it’s a bit cool in June to be standing around in the buff I can tell yer, aww yerh, mate. And mate, it was a proper photo shot, so mate, it wasn’t just me and a camera man, aww know, aww know. There was lighting people, assistants, make up people, aww mate, make up, aww maaate. Then this make up lady is putting make up on me and aww mate, I had to tell her that, that bit wasn’t going to be seen so it didn’t need make up, aww mate, aww mate.
Aww mate, we made a fare amount for charity that year mate, and during July mate, I was a pin man, hur hur hur, mate.
Aww mate, you know mate, you expect thing to change over time, like since Captain Cooks time to now, but you don’t expect much change in a bloke’s life time, aww know, aww know. I can remember, when I was a young bloke, nuddy calendars were a common thing, aww yerh.
Every year mate, at Christmas time, yer main stream companies, tractor manufactures, chain saw companies, the produce store and even the stock and station agent would give yer a nuddy calendar, aww yerh. There would be pictures of nagged women sitting on tractors or bails of hay and even motor bikes, aww yerh. It was just a normal thing, you’d hung them up in the house, the office, the shed, aww yerh.
But mate as time went on, well mate, the country women’s association started saying that they weren’t suitable, and so after a while the women in the calendars started wearing bikinis, aww yerh. And then the calendars had no women at all, just a picture of a tractor or something like that. And mate, a few year after that and the calendars were gone, aww yerh, the companies just stoped making them, aww yerh.
Aww mate, around this time I tort me self to weld aluminium, aww yerh, and mate, I decided to make a rack for the back of the Ute so I could carry long irrigation pipe and long sticks of timber, you know what I’m saying. So mate, I go into town to this factory, it was an aluminium window factory, but it also sold aluminium, aww yerh.
Any way mate, I’ve got a list and this bloke cuts it all up for me, I wanted some angle, some tube, some plate, you know the sort off stuff. But mate, then this bloke gives me a chitty and tells me to take it up to the mezzanine level in this factory, and pay the girls. So mate, up I go and I have to tell you mate, I go into this office and there is about four women in there, carpet on the floor, type writers on the desks, this was before computers, aww yerh, but mate.
Aww mate, the first thing that struck me mate, was that the whole place was plastered with big posters, nuddy posters of footballers, these adonises, mussels on mussels mate, like Greek status, you know what I mean, aww yerh, now they were all holding a foot ball in a strategic location, hur hur hur, you know mate, just to hide the bits and bobs, aww mate. But mate, I have to say, it made me feel uncomfortable, aww yerh, aww yerh. It was at this point that I understood the Country Women Associations point of view, I got it mate, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Malcolm
Chapter 20.
Sometimes mate, aww yerh, miracles do happen, and mate, one off those was pants man Kevin getting married, aww yerh, hard to believe but it happen, pants man Kevin got married, aww mate.
Some woman from the big city managed to rope the bugger mate, hur hur hur, I don’t know how she did it, mate, but she did, court him, and mate, that was that, Kevin, that’s right, pants man Kevin had to hang up his title of pants man, and mate, he’s now just Kevin. Hur hur hur, May be we should call him married man Kevin, formally known as pants man Kevin, hur hur hur, mate.
Aww mate, aww mate, I can tell yer, there’s a fair few blokes around the valley that are pretty happy to see Kevin taken out of the game, aww yerh. He’s been king of the hill, top rooster, hur hur hur, for way to long, aww mate, he may have got that title of ‘pants man’ by being gaffer taped to the local football field goal post without his pants. But mate, he has earned the title ever since, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Mate, he’s worked hard at keeping the ‘pants man’ title, aww yerh, I can tell yer, he’s gone above and beyond what most people would consider what’s needed to keep the title of ‘pants man’, aww yerh.
And now mate someone snared him, aww yerh, court him, aww yerh, couldn’t wait to meet her, aww know, aww know. But mate before that, there was the buck’s party, aww yerh. Now mate, now mate when someone like Kevin gets snared, well mate, there’s got to be a buck’s party, aww yerh.
Now mate, I’ve known Kevin all me life, aww yerh, can’t say we’re great friends but mate, we’re friends. Any way mate, I gets an invite to the wedding and the bucks do, aww yerh. Now mate, Kevin’s buck night, well just going by his reputation, pants man Kevin, you know it going to be a bit wild, you know what I’m saying, hur hur hur, aww yerh.
So mate, so mate, I’m not really looking forward to this, bucks nights are not really my thing, aww know, but I have to be there to give old Kevin a good send off, hur hur hur, if you know what I mean. So mate, I pulls up outside the local pub, parked the Ute, aww mate, there was a lot of Utes parked in the street that night, I can tell yer, aww yerh.
Now mate, a lot of the blokes there that night, were there because they wanted to be sure it was real, aww yerh, and not some sort of dream. Others mate, were there to be part of a once in a life time event, aww yerh, to see pants man Kevin de-throned, aww yerh. For some mate, this was a sad day but mate, for others it was a day of joy, aww yerh.
Any way mate, any way mate, I walks into the pub and the first thing that catches me eye is a full size cardboard cut out of a topless woman holding a sign, saying, ‘Kevin’s bucks night,’ and pointing towards the back room, aww yerh. Well mate, that set the tone for the rest of the night, aww yerh, aww yerh.
So mate, I wonder through to the back room, aww yerh, well mate, the back room is where the pub puts on events like concerts, dinners, pub quizzes, and the like, but well mate, tonight it was for pants man Kevin’s buck’s night, aww yerh. The next thing that struck me was all the pants hanging from the ceiling, pants of all types, jeans, work pants, cricket whites, pants with one leg missing, short pants, aww mate, it was quite a site, I can tell yer, aww yerh.
Mick, Kevin’s best mate and best man greeted me at the door, aww yerh, and mate, he tells me that the drinks are free from the bar, and tells me that I’m in for one hell of a night. Aww mate, I just wondered over to the bar and got me self an orange juice and mate, just found me self a seat, aww yerh. I sort off look around the room, and mate, I recognise just about everyone, aww yerh, I went to school with a lot of them, and the rest mate, well I knew them from the Farmers Federation, aww yerh.
Kevin, aww mate, he’s sitting on the stage, on this great big chair, more like a throne, hur, hur hur, mate, like he’s some sort of King, aww yerh. But mate, he’s got no pants on, hur hur hur, no pants mate, aww mate.
Aww mate, then Mick come onto the stage and starts telling a story about one of Kevin’s adventures, aww yerh. It was about Kevin being pulled over by the copers, and mate, all the bugger had on was an old feed bag, hur hur hur, mate, an old feed bag. He had cut the corners off for his arms and a slit in the top for his head to poke through and that was it, an old Hessian bag, hur hur hur, mate.
Then mate, then mate, another bloke comes up on stage and starts tell another tall tail, aww yerh. This bloke was herding one of his cows back home, one winter’s morning, after it had broken through the fence chasing better grass on the roadside, aww yerh, mate. When, aww mate, when he comes across Kevin walking in the opposite direction, aww yerh, but mate, the bugger had no closes on, hur hur hur, not a stitch, aww mate. So Kevin, mate, just stops and has a chat, you know mate, the weather, nice looking cow, the cost of petrol, hur hur hur, mate. He then just wondered off, hur hur hur, mate.
More, blokes came up on stage telling tall tails, aww yerh, and mate, some off them tail were petty tall, I can tell yer, hur hur hur, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Aww mate, then mate, some bloke’s push this trolley through the door, now mate, sitting on the trolley is what looks like a giant cake, aww yerh. But mate, this cake is made of cardboard, aww yerh, any way mate, when they get to the stage this music starts playing, lights start blinking, aww yerh. Then mate, there’s this big bang from a fire cracker, and mate, the cardboard cake collapses and this girl jumps out, hur hur hur, mate, aww yerh.
Any way mate, this girl jumps on the stage and starts jigging about to the music, aww mate, she’s a stripper mate, a stripper, aww yerh. And mate, she’s covered in balloons, aww yerh, she looked like a Michelin man, aww yerh. Now mate, now mate, she’s got a pin in her hand and as she jigs about, well mate, she pops the balloons, aww yerh. So mate, as the music plays and she dances about, aww mate, she’s slowly revealing more, and more, hur hur hur, mate.
All the blokes are cooeeing, whistling, and cheering, aww yerh mate, and well mate, the stripper girl has popped, aww mate, about half of her balloons. When mate, just out of the corner of me eye, I sees George, the local coper walk in, aww yerh. Aww mate now, there’s nothing unusual about that, George knows Kevin pretty well, hur hur hur, he’s arrested him enough times, aww yerh. Now George is wearing his uniform but he doesn’t have his hat on so it’s not an official visit, aww know.
Aww mate, George starts waving and giving me some hand signals, aww yerh, but mate, I can’t work it out, so I start walking over towards George, when mate, all hell breaks loose, aww yerh. Police come from everywhere, side doors, back door, front door, aww yerh, there’s copers everywhere. mate. Then mate, the Sergeant walks in and calls out, ‘this is a raid, everyone stay where you are,’ aww yerh, mate.
The Sargent starts trying to cover the striper girl up with a blanket, aww yerh, but mate, she’s still got too many balloons on her so he’s having trouble, aww yerh. One of the copers starts popping balloons but the sergeant tells him to, ‘stop that’, hur hur hur, mate.
Aww mate, now, Kevin and Mick are not too happy about this raid, aww know, and mate, their telling the sergeant so, aww yerh. There want her to at least finish the strip, hur hur hur, but the sergeant is having nothing of it, aww know. Now mate, the talking turned into a push and a shove, and mate, that’s assaulting Police, aww yerh. So Kevin and Mick were arrested for assault and the striper girl was arrested for lewd behaviour, aww yerh.
Now mate, that was the end of Kevin’s buck’s night, aww yerh. The next morning some off us went down to the cop shop to bail them out, aww yerh. And mate, a few days later, they were up in front of the beak, aww yerh, and mate, a lot of us who were at the bucks night, were called to give evidence, you know what I’m saying, mate. Now mate, we were all saying that it was all just good natured banter, and mate, even the copers were saying that, ‘they didn’t see anything, hur hur hur, aww mate.
Yer see mate, the real reason for the raid was, well mate, nothing to do with lewd behaviour, aww know. You see mate, years ago Kevin had a bit of a, aww mate, arr, dalliance with the sergeant’s girl friend, hur hur hur, their married now, but mate, the sergeant has never forgiven Kevin, aww know. Aww mate, all this was just revenge, mate, revenge, aww yerh.
But mate, but mate, the poor old sergeant was never going to get any revenge, aww know, yer see, the beak was Kevin’s second cousin, aww yerh.
Kevin and Mick got off with a warning and the striper girl’s case was dismissed, aww yerh, and mate she even got a wedding invite, hur hur hur, mate. Kevin even invited the sergeant to the wedding, aww yerh, a sort off peace treaty, aww yerh.
Now mate, now mate, the next weekend Kevin’s wedding went of without a hitch, no problems. So Kevin is a married man, after all those years of life as a pants man, Kevin is married, aww yerh.
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