Malcolm
Chapter 21.
Sometimes mate, aww yerh, sometimes, hur hur hur, but not too often, aww know, a bloke will step outside his comfort zone and take something on, aww yerh. And well mate, that’s what I did, aww not that long ago, aww yerh, I decided to go to the Bachelor and Spinsters Ball aww yerh, aww yerh.
I embarked on this adventure, aww yerh, a bit of an adventure, mate, now somebody told me or may be I saw it on a flier in a shop window. That the Bachelor and Spinster Ball was going to be on, mate, now I don’t usually go to that sort of thing, mate, not my sort of thing, you know what I mean.
But anyway, after seeing that, I was talking to somebody, it turns out the Granny was planing to go, aww she’s a good sort, hur hur hur, mate. I’m thinking, here’s an opportunity, aww yerh, mate, it’s about time, arr, that I took the bull by the horns here, so I’m thinking alright, alright, but then I start thinking, aww mate.
What’s a Bachelor, Spinster Ball all about? Hur hur hur, mate, it’s about drinking alcohol mate, hur hur hur, it’s about dancing mate, yer know, spruiking about, yer know. It’s also about a bit of, hur hur hur, well mate, you know what I mean, hur hur hur, getting friendly, mate.
Arr mate, any way mate, I don’t drink, aww know, I don’t touch the stuff mate, yer know, and well dancing, aww mate, hur hur hur, now the only dance I sort off know is what I call the Flower two step shuffle. You know, aww mate, when the bull Flower charges at me mate, I do a bit of a dance around him, know what I mean, hur hur hur. That’s the only thing you could call me doing a dance, now Flower getting a bit slow in his old age. So am I, hur hur hur, so am I, so arr, you know, that’s the only dance I’m up to.
So mate, I’m thinking to me self that may be I could get some lessons, may be I could learn, you know what I’m saying. There was eight weeks to the Bachelor Spinster Ball, so may be I could get some lessons, so any way.
Now there’s a woman in town that sort off gives dance lessons, sort of runs a class and that, but mate. I thinking, I not sure I want publicise to the rest of the district that, I’m sort of dancing, hur hur hur. I’m not sure about that mate, aww know, so any way, I went in and I, aww mate, I snuck in one day, when know one was looking. And I sort of put it to her, that may be she could give me some private lessons, you know what I mean, you know what I’m saying.
And so mate, she agreed, she agreed, aww yerh, so twice a week, arr, twice a week for eight weeks I sort of went in, and arr, late at night, aww about eight at night, and had some lessons, mate. So, arr, I rock up there on the first night, and she sort of looks at me, and just shakes her head, shakes her head, mate. So I sort of say, ‘what’s wrong, what’s wrong, mate? And well mate, hur hur hur, she says, I got’a dress for the part, I’ve got to dress!! for dancing. Aww mate, I’m thinking what’s that got to do with teaching me a lesson, mate?
Well mate, she tells me that I’ve got to amerce me self, aww mate, but she the teacher, mate, yer know. Now I didn’t have anything with me, so she goes out the back and then comes back out, and mate, she’s got this get up mate. Aww mate, it’s like a black silk shirt, black silk pants mate, aww mate, talk about slippery, you wouldn’t want to fall over, hur hur hur, mate, you wouldn’t stop. Hur hur hur, and a silly red tie and the hat had to come off, aww mate, and she wanted to put this other hat on me, but mate, I draw the line at the other hat, aww yer mate.
Now mate, the black gear, this whole outfit, aww mate, if you had put some sort of mask over me eyes, and a bit of a cape on me, and may be a sword in me hand, well, aww mate, I’d be Zorro, hur hur hur, mate. Can you imagine that mate, corse that’s what I looked like, hur hur hur, a prise goose mate, a prise goose. And the silly hat she wanted me to put on, well mate, that would of made we look like Pop Eye the sailor man, and I thought, well I’m not wearing that, hur hur hur, and she excepted that.
Any way mate, for the next eight weeks we’re doing the dance thing mate, learning mate, yer know, there was a few stood on toes and what have you, aww yerh. But, I was starting to get the hang of it, inside that eight weeks I had that dance sorted out, aww yerh. Now what dance was it? That real had one, aww mate, the Tango, now even I knew that the Tango is a hard dance, aww yerh, mate. She called it the ‘dance of lovers’ mate, and I’m thinking, aww right, aww right, I can do this, I can do this, that’s what I’m thinking, I kept telling me self, ‘I can do this, I can do this.
After eight weeks mate, I had it nailed, aww yerh, I can tell yer, aww yerh, aww yerh. I recon I had it pretty nailed down, aww yerh, hur hur hur. Well she, the dance instructor lady, well mate, she ordered an outfit for me, on the internet, hur hur hur, there no were to buy a get up like that, hur hur, in town, hur hur. Any way she got it delivered to her place so that know one would know that I was getting a delivery from some fashion house, mate, hur hur hur. So all’s well mate, all’s well.
So mate, so mate, the big night comes, aww yerh, it comes around, in the Show Ground, in the big pavilion in the Show Ground that’s were it’s held. So I sort of give the Ute a bit of a wash mate, yer know, vacuum it out, found a good crop of wheat growing on the passenger floor, hur hur hur, no mate, no mate, just joking. Aww mate, so I gives the Ute a good clean out and then I gives me self a bit of a spruce up, have a sort off hair cut, yer know, aww yerh.
Now mate, I’m starting to get a bit wound up, but I in the zone still mate, I’m determine, I’m determine, I can do this, I can do this, aww yerh, aww yerh. So mate, the night comes and I drive into town, like into the Show Ground, mate, and it’s like some sort of Ute convention, there’s Ute’s everywhere, mate. Any way mate, I pulls up and finds somewhere to park, and mate, I’m sitting in the Ute and aww mate, I’m starting to loss me bottle, aww yerh, I was starting to get a bit wimpish on it. Started to think about how silly I was going to look walking in there, aww yerh, done up like Zorro.
Any way mate, any way, I sees some other blokes, yer know, arriving, getting out and walking in, aww yerh. And mate, they were wearing them Penguin suits, mate, yer know, sort of James Bond outfit, hur hur hur, and mate, they looked ten times sillier than I did, hur hur hur, aww yerh, aww yerh. So I’m thinking that this will be alright, hur hur hur, I not as silly as them, hur hur hur.
So I’m sitting there trying to get the courage up, yer know, when I remembered a book I’d read, aww years ago. Now mate, aww what was that book called, aww mate, ‘Zen and the art of tractor maintenance’, that’s what it was called, mate. Any way mate that book told me that I should sit cross legged on the floor and chant, harm, harm, to calm me self down. Now I’m not about to do that mate aww know, but I got the principle of the idea.
So I’m sitting in the Ute just thinking, knock it back, knock it back, get the heart rate down, you can do this, you can do this, aww mate, aww mate, and mate, it worked aww yerh.
Now I’m out of the Ute, I’m on a mission now mate, I’m determine, straight in through the front doors of that Pavilion, mate. And mate I look around at all these blokes all tarted up in their silly suits mate, hur hur hur. There was a few other blokes wearing different thing but mate, most of them were in these Penguin suits and mate, I was the least silly one there, aww yerh, the least silly one there I can tell yer.
Hur hur hur, that cheered me up a bit, it did, then some body hands me a bit of paper, and I sort of look at this bit of paper, sort of read it, well mate, it’s a list of dances, mate. Sort of like, the order of the dances, the order of the dances, and mate, the Tango was about seven or eight on the list, mate.
Aww mate, I start thinking, ‘what am I going to do for all that time?’ When other dances are on, aww mate, I’m a one trick pony, I am mate, I can do the Tango, and that’s it. I can’t do all the other ones mate, aww know, I’ve got know idea. There’s all sorts of dances, and mate, I’ve herd of them but I can’t do them, aww know. I started to loose me bottle again but any way, mate, I says to me self, ‘I can do this’ and I walked over to where all the other blokes were standing, aww yerh.
I looked across the hall and there’s the Granny, mate, aww she’s a good sort, mate. She’s with all the other women, yer know, all the women are over that side of the hall and all the blokes were over this side, hur hur hur. And mate, I start talking tractors and stuff with the blokes yer know, aww yerh.
Next thing the band starts up, and mate straight away all the blokes and all the women are on the dance floor, aww yerh. The whole place is throbbing, the old hall is shacking, hur hur hur, if you know what I mean. Now I’m sort off retreating to the back of the room, hur hur hur, trying to look nonchalant, hur hur hur. I‘m planing to hide away until the dance that I knew came up, the Tango.
So I’m sort of hiding, found me self an easy chair, and I’m sitting there, looking like a bit of a goose, yer know. Any way, I’m looking at me piece of paper, and the time seemed to drag on, but mate, eventually the dance before the Tango starts up, aww yerh. Everyone is up there dancing about and so I’m thinking, ‘its time’, ‘its time the walrus said’, it time, hur hur hur. I think Gough Whitlam said that as well, didn’t he, hur hur hur.
I’m off, had to go around the dance floor, any way, mate, I go around to were the Granny is, she’s with a couple of other women. And mate, I walks straight up, mate, full on confidence here mate, outside anyway, straight up and ask, ‘hey mate how about the next dance?’ Hur hur hur, straight out I did, and she hesitates, mate, aww yerh, aww yerh, I’m going to get knocked back here mate. But mate, that was not the problem, aww know, she sort of looked at me and said, ‘Malcolm, you know it’s the Tango’. Well mate, I just said, ‘know worries, mate,’ full on confidence here mate. aww yerh, hur hur hur.
Mate, I timed that to perfection, mate, aww yerh, as the music stoped just as that happened, we’re on, aww mate. But mate, then suddenly everyone on the dance floor are gone, there all on the edges, mate, there all too wimpy to do the Tango. So it’s just me and the Granny mate, aww my goodness talk about pressure, mate, any rate mate, I take her by the hand. Now mate, I’m in the zone at this point, it’s too late to back out, it’s all in, all or nothing mate, so mate I drag her out, she didn’t take much dragging, aww know.
I drags her out onto the dance floor, we take up the pose and the music starts, where into it, we are nailing it, talk about getting it right first time, we are into it, absolutely nailing it, aww yerh. Now this is pretty good, aww yerh, mate, but we’re only about thirty second into it and the music stops. So I’m thinking, ‘what’s going on here?’ The music had stoped.
Well mate, I look up and here’s Harold, now Harold is one of me neighbours up the valley and mate, he’s been keeping company with Sarah for years mate, years. And here he is, he’s had a few drinks, and he’s finally got the curage up to ask her to marry him. Aww yerh. So he’s up on the stag, fumbling through his words, doesn’t know what he’s saying, some wag calls out, ‘get on with it’, yer know, well he did. He blurts out, ‘will you marry me?’ And mate, she calls out, ‘yes’ and then jumps up on the stag, gives him a hug, nilly knocks the poor bugger over.
Next thing mate, there on the dance floor, the bands playing one of these sort of slow dances, a waltz, that’s the one, and there the only ones on the dance floor and everyone is cooeeing, and cheering. The Granny has disappeared off with all the other women, talking congratulations and all the blokes are off talking, arr, tractors, hur hur hur, mate, and mate, me moments gone, mate, it’s gone, aww yerh. All that work and the moments gone, arr, bugger, bugger, mate.
Any way mate, didn’t know what to do, so I went over to the other side of the hall, found an easy chair, and mate, there was a magazine there that had a report about the latest Massey Ferguson and how it compared to the John Deere. I was sort of reading that and well mate, I was feeling a bit sorry for me self, to be honest with yer, I was feeling a bit sorry for me self, yer know, aww yerh.
I don’t know where the time went but the next thing, I’m looking up and the place is just about deserted, the band stoped playing, that’s what court me attention, the band stoped playing. There’s no body on the floor dancing, here a couple behind me having a bit of a smutch, yer know, there’s a few blokes and a few women, tail enders, yer know what I mean. So the place is pretty deserted yer know, aww mate, I’m thinking I ‘better get out of here,’ aww mate.
Well mate, I went to get up and standing in front of me is the Granny, mate, aww she’s a good sort, mate. And mate, she’s got one of them boom boxes in her hand, yer know, those sort off music player things, tape players, no, no, CD players these days, mate. She’s got this boom box and she says to me, ‘we never finished our dance’, and mate, I’m thinking, ‘aww the nights picking up now’.
So mate, she takes me by the hand and mate, she puts that boom box on a table and presses a button, we walk out onto that dance floor mate, we take the poss and the music starts. And we’re dancing mate, aww mate, and we are nailing it, just perfect mate, there’s no body there to see use mind you. Other than a few who have had too many to drink and a couple who were to busy to pay attention, aww yerh.
Next thing mate, we’re only about thirty seconds into it, and the music stops, so I look around and mate. And here’s the President of the organizing committee, for the Bachelor Spinster Ball, she got a broom in her hand, she hands the broom to the Granny. She points at me and tells me to go and stack all them chairs up, fold up all them tables and then she starts rounding up the other stragglers and putting them to work cleaning the place up, aww mate.
Mate, me moment is gone again, what’s a bloke got to do here, yer know, so I’m stacking chairs and putting them in the back room and when I comes back, well mate I don’t know where the Granny went, she was cleaning and I was stacking chairs. Last I saw of her was her disappearing out the front door with some of the other women.
The moment was lost, the moment was lost yet again, aww mate, bugger. Story of me life, hey mate, hur hur hur, your got to laugh, your go to laugh.
So mate, I just wondered back to me Ute and headed home, aww yerh. aww yerh.
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