Malcolm
Chapter 22.
Aww mate, aww mate, not that long ago, mate, I was driving into town, had to go and see the bank manager mate, aww yerh mate, you know, well I’m drive the Ute, mate, and I spots another Familiar looking Ute parked on the side of the road. It was the Granny’s Ute mate, aww she’s a good sort, and mate the bonnet was up, so I pulls up, as you do, but mate, there’s no body in site, aww know. I have a bit of a look around but there’s no body so I keep driving down the road, aww yerh. About a KM or so down the road well, there’s the Granny, aww she’s a good sort, sort of just walking along, aww yerh. Well mate, the heart start pounding mate and I’m thinking to me self, here’s me chance, so I stopped to say good’a, and check if she needed a hand, aww yerh.
Now mate, I pulls up and mate, she comes over to the passenger side door, now mate, the window was down as it was quite a warm sort of day, and she leans down on the top of the door. Orrrr mate, orrr mate, she was wearing a tight sort of ‘T’ shirt, orrr mate, she’s sort of leaning on top of that door and mate, orrr.
Well mate before I could say anything, she’s asking, if I’ve got any tools with me, and I’m saying, ‘yer’, next thing she climbing into the Ute and asking me to take her back to her Ute, aww yerh, mate.
Well mate, well mate, it turns out her Ute has blown a radiator hose, aww yerh mate. But mate, she had no tools with her, can you believe it, no tools, aww mate. Mate, she could see the shock on me face, so she explained that she had done some work on the tractor the day before and mate, that she had needed a tool from the Utes tool box. And well mate, she had forgotten to put the tool box back in the Ute, aww mate.
Aww mate, I said to her, ‘that’s an old trick, been there done that,’ then mate, she said, ‘short term memory is the first to go,’ hur hur hur, mate we both sort of laughed out loud, aww yerh, mate.
Then mate, as I’m driving her back towards her Ute, mate, she’s sort of looking at me and then mate, she says, ‘you’re a bit dressed up there Malcolm,’ and then asked ‘if I was on me way to town?’ Hur hur hur, mate, I tell her that I was on me way to town to see the bank manager to pay out me loan, aww yerh, mate. You see mate, I had sold the vealers, and I had got a good price, aww yerh, so with a bit of luck, mate, I would never have to borrow money again, aww know. And mate, I never did, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Now the Granny, aww she’s a good sort, tells me I should go out and celebrate breaking free from the local extortionist, commonly called, ‘the bank manager’, and have a big night out. I sort of said, ‘that will be the day,’ you know mate, looking back on it, aww yerh, she was giving me an opportunity to ask her out, but mate. I was too thick to see it, aww yerh, mate, to think, mate, it just went straight over me head, aww yerh.
Any way mate, we get back to her Ute and I park just in front of it, aww yerh, we get the tool box out of the back of me Ute. Well mate, she’s straight into it, undoing the hose clips and taking the old hose off. I sort of asked her, ‘if she had a spare hose?’ And mate, she looked at me as if I had just insulted her, aww yerh mate. She went around to the passenger side of her Ute and gets the spare hose from under the seat. She then lobes the old hose into the back of her Ute, comes back around the front and started fitting the new hose.
Now mate, I’m an aussie bloke, an aussie farmer, I’m not very good at picking up on peoples feelings, but mate, even I knew that there was something wrong, aww yerh. I must of done or said something wrong, aww yerh, I can tell yer. But mate, I had enough brains to know that I should say nothing, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Watching her work on the Ute in that tight ‘T’ shirt, on that hot day, orrrr mate, orrrr mate, I came close to saying, ‘orrr your beautiful when you angry,’ but luckily I didn’t, aww yerh.
Aww mate, in know time at all she had the hose fitted, but mate, we didn’t have any water to fill the radiator with, aww know. But mate, there was a creek just down the road, but mate, we needed something to collect it in, aww yerh. I had an esky and the Granny had a one litre drink bottle, so mate we started walking down the road towards the creek.
Aww mate, things were a bit tense as we walked along in silence, aww yerh, I don’t know mate, but I started to realize that me and the Granny would never happen. Aww mate, I had been after the Granny now for a very long time and mate, it was time to throw the towel in, give it up, just call it a day, aww yerh. Now to be honest mate, this was not the first time I had decided this, but mate, this time, I was done.
We had to climb through a fence to get to the creek, aww yerh, and mate, it was a bit muddy, so things were a bit tricky getting to the creek. We did our best, stepping from one rock to another, one tuft of grass to another, but mate, we didn’t succeed. We ended up with wet muddy feet, aww yerh, mate, aww yerh. I got as much water as I could in the esky by laying it on its side in the creek then tipping it up right and then the Granny used the water bottle to add more.
Walking back with a esky three parts full of water, aww mate, things seemed more relaxed, I had given up, and mate, I had know idea what she was thinking, but mate she was a lot more relaxed. We talked about nothing much, just small talk, farming, weather, her sons and her grand kids.
Aww mate, once back at the Utes, we filled the radiator with the water, packed the tools away, aww mate, then she sort of looks at me and says, ‘you can’t see the bank manager like that, you better come back to my place and get cleaned up.’ Well mate, an invitation like that would normally get me a bit excited, but not this time, aww know, all I wanted was, to get to town, do the bank thing and go home, aww yerh. But mate, I agreed as I did need to clean up, get the mud off, aww yerh.
Aww mate, I did a ‘U’ turn and followed her back to her place, which was only a few km’s down the road, aww yerh. We walked towards her house, and once on her front veranda, she told me to take me boots off. So mate, I sat on an old lounge that was on her veranda, as she did as well and we took our boots off. Both my boots were a bit wet from the creek but mate, as I took me second boot off, well mate, there was blood everywhere, aww yerh.
Aww mate, aww mate, then as I was about to take me sock off I sees this dirty great big leach, aww yerh, aww yerh. Now mate, now mate, leaches are one thing I really hate, aww mate, can’t stand them, aww know. The Granny goes into the house and comes back with some salt, some bad aids, some towels and some bandage. She puts some salt on the leach and the buggers dead, aww yerh, aww yerh, aww mate.
The Granny tells me that, ‘it’s only a leach and then chastises me for being a bit of a wimp,’ before using the towels to sock up the blood. She puts a band aid on me, but it want stop bleeding, so mate she then wraps a bandage around me leg.
Any way mate, hur hur hur, I’m standing there on the Granny’s front veranda with a bandage on one leg, and mate, the Granny standing in front of me, up close and a bit personal, aww yerh, mate. And mate she says, well we better get those pants off you so I can clean the mud of the bottoms, and we better check for more leaches as well’ and then mate, aww mate, she starts undoing me belt, aww yerh.
Now mate, now mate, I looks her straight in the eyes and mate, I said, ‘you know mate, you were paddling around in that creek as well, you might have a leach on you.’ Aww mate, never seen her move so fast, see jumped backward, aww yerh, and mate, she started taking off her pants, aww yerh, hur hur hur.
Well, mate, what’s this? I think to myself, this sort of thing doesn’t happen to blokes like me, it sort of only happens in the movies. But here I was with me pants around me ankles and the Granny getting her gear off on her front veranda. Hur hur hur, mate tell you what, I’ll tell yer what, maaate, we spent a lot of time looking for more leaches, aww yerh. And mate, I got to tell yer, we had a lot of fun looking for them leaches, hur hur hur, didn’t find any, but we had a lot of fun looking, hur hur hur maate, if you know what I mean.
Mate, I didn’t get to the bank that day and mate, I didn’t even get home again that day, aww know, hur hur hur, maaate, you know what I’m saying.
And well, mate, after that we started keeping company, mate, walking out together, aww mate. We were the talk of the district mate, all me mates were giving me the thumps up, you know, mate, giving me a bit of a nod and a wink, aww mate. And the women of the district, started giving me a hard time, their would say things like, ‘it’s about time’ and ‘you should of done it years ago’, and I tell you what, they were probably right, so mate my bachelor days were over, aww yerh.
Aww mate, not long after that and we were engaged, aww yerh, and not long after that we were married, aww yerh. You know mate, the wedding was bigger than Ben Hur, the whole valley was involved. The Country Women’s Association were involved, the Farmers Federation were involved, aww yerh.
Hey mate, hey mate, you know what, now I had no idea, but, mate, the whole district had been betting on wether me and the Granny would ever get together, aww yerh, can you believe it, aww. The local produce store own has always been a bit of a bookie on the side, aww yerh and mate he had been running a book on us, for years mate, years. Now mate, a bet was $2 and you had to pick a date that we would get together, if you know what I mean, hur hur hur.
Lots of people had bets on that we, ‘would never get together,’ aww mate, if I had known I would of put on a few dollars that me self, aww yerh. Tell who won it, mate, that bloody Kevin, mate, formally known as pants man Kevin, aww yerh, the bugger. He put the bet on about a month before, aww yerh, apparently mate, he use to place a bet every month, aww yerh.
The bookie mate, had four, forty four gallon drums full of $2 coins in his shed to pay out on the bet, aww mate, that was a tidy some of money, aww yerh mate. Now mate, but you know what, even though that Kevin has grown genetically engineered canola, he held the title of pants man for many years, and mate, he even drove, for a while, an automatic Ute, he’s not all bad.
You know mate, married life must have had a big effect on Kevin, aww yerh, As mate, you want believe this but mate, he payed for me wedding and mate, he gave the rest to charity, can you believe it, can you believe it, aww yerh. If that’s what a good women does for a bloke, aww mate, all blokes should be married, aww yerh.
Now mate, not long after getting married, well mate, I retired, aww yerh, I retired. Never thought I would do that mate, aww know. It’s hard for blokes like me to retire, aww yerh, you see mate I let the side down, I did, I didn’t marry young and produce an heir, aww know. So there was no one to leave the farm to, aww know, so the government wouldn’t give me a pension. Well mate, not while I had the farm any way, I couldn’t even let it go back to nature, mate, it was worth to much, aww yerh.
But mate, now I’m an old married man, and with the wife is retired as well, aww mate, it’s all good. Her eldest son has taken over her farm, her spare, her youngest son has taken over my farm and we have moved into the farm stay house, the place I use to let out to city people for a farming experience, aww mate.
“Aww mate, aww mate, I recon that’s about it, mate,” said Malcolm.
Charlotte then asked, “what’s your wife’s name?”
“Her name, aww mate, it’s,……” said Malcolm. but her name was drowned out by the bark of Bruce, the dog.
“What are you barking at Bruce?” said Malcolm in a loud voice, as he got up and walked towards the front stairs, he then added, sorry mate, I better go and see what this dog’s barking at.”
With that Malcolm walked away towards the shed.
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