Malcolm
Chapter 9.
Aww mate, aww mate, some years back I was watching the telly and this show comes on called ‘The Farmer wants a wife’. Now mate, I thought to me self, what’s this show? Well mate, it turned out to be some sort of match making show for farmers, aww yerh, aww yerh. There was about half a dozen farmers and I Don’t know, about thirty women looking for a husband and mate, they were mostly city women, aww yerh.
Now mate, now mate, there was no need for them blokes to go on a show on the telly to find a wife, I could of told them how to find a wife, aww yerh, I could get them sorted out quick smart, no worries, mate.
What you got to understand about farmers mate, is they don’t get to see the ladies all that often, aww no, aww no, take me for an example, I only go to town once a fortnight, I know blokes who only go to town once a month, mate. Not like them city blokes, I’ve been to the city and mate, there’s women everywhere, all dressed up, aww mate, aww mate. Everywhere yer look there beautiful women, mate you don’t know where to look, aww no, aww no. Now farmers don’t get to see that too often, mate, you know what I’m saying.
So when all them young farmers are sitting on that stage and all them potential wife’s come walking in, aww mate, aww mate you can just about hear the blokes go, orrrr, hur hur hur. Now that’s the first thing those blokes need to learn and mate, that’s to use you noggin and not to listen to the orrrrr, aww know, aww know. You can’t listen to that orrrr, your orrrrr will get you into a lot of trouble, it will mate, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Now the second thing their got to think about is that she got to be able to drive a manual vehicle, mate, aww yerh. If she could weld or use a chain saw, aww mate, that would be fantastic, aww imagine that, that’s a real dream is that, but no in the real world you’re not going to find someone like that. Yer see mate all farm vehicles are manual, real aussie farmers don’t drive automatic vehicles, aww know, aww know.
Aww mate, in all honesty I have seen an automatic Ute once in me life, me and some other blokes were standing outside the produce store, you know, just having a bit of a chine wag, a bit of a chat, as you do. Well mate, there was this truck, loaded with hay sort of parked outside the produce store and when it drove off. Parked behind it was this brand spanking new Ford Falcon XR6 Ute, aww what a nice looking thing that was. We’re all looking at each other and shacking our heads, saying ‘no it’s now mine, its not mine’, and wondering who in the district could of bought a new Ute.
So mate, we all wondered over to has a bit of a gander, a bit of a look, well mate, the first thing that struck me, aww mate, it was locked, I couldn’t believe it, locked. Then mate, I looked through the window, and mate, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was automatic, can you believe it, an automatic Ute. We all just looked at each other in shock, could Ford even make an automatic Ute, aww mate, aww mate, our respect for Ford went done on that day, I can tell yer.
Now mate, who in the district would even think of buying an automatic Ute? But then, out of the corner of me eye, I spots this bloke coming out of the produce store and mate, he was one of them Pit street farmers, hur hur hur, he stood out like the bulls equipment. Well mate, he walks up to his Ute and we all give him a bit of a nod and good’a, hur hur hur, mate, he then got in it and drive off, aww yerh. Mate you should of heard it as it drove away, errrr, errrr, err, aww mate that awful noise those automatic cars make, aww mate. And mate we all started laughing mate, we couldn’t stop, and I have to tell yer mate, we told that story for months after, the day we saw an automatic Ute.
So mate, no aussie farmer would ever marry a women who couldn’t drive a manual car, aww know aww know, may be if she learnt before the marriage, but she have to be something special, aww yerh.
So mate, that is the second thing yer got to make sure off, is she can drive a manual vehicle, aww yerh. Now the third thing yer got to look for is mate, well you got to look at it like your buying a new cow, mate, so you need to just have a good look at her, she should be a good size, a big size, carrying a bit of fat, you don’t want them skinny ones, mate. Wide in the pins, sign of a good breed, is that, mate, she should have a good shinny coat, good strong thigh mussels, upper mussels, she might need to push the Ute out of a bog one day. She should have bright eyes, when you look into those eyes they should be sparkling like she could take on the world, and mate, she should have a good stance about her, yerh know what I’m saying, mate.
Now the fourth thing yer got to look for is temperament, aww mate, this can be a bit hard to pick, aww yerh. Now mate I’ve got a bit of a family secret, yerh know, handed down through the generations, father to son, but it’s a bit tricky, it’s a bit of a risky one, yer got to be careful and quick, mate. Aww mate, aww mate, yer got to keep your wits about yer while doing this mate as you could get a reaction from them, hur hur, mate.
Here’s what you do, aww mate, you reach down and grab them by the lower leg, then you run your hand up their leg, giving it a bit of a squeeze every now and then, specially around their knee area. And mate when you get your hand at the top of their leg, aww mate, you then give them a bit of a tap on their rump, just a little tap, you know what I’m saying.
Aww mate, at some point when you’re doing this, your going to get a reaction, aww yerh, aww yerh, they might just push your hand away, or it might be a violent reaction, they might head butt you. They might try to kick yer, or squash you up against the Ute, now those violent buggers, you don’t want them, aww know, aww know.
Then you get the ones that don’t react at all, well sort off, this is where you’re got to look closely, study the body language. They might tense up a bit and look at you, their eyes might narrow down, they might get a frown on their face, and keep an eye on their shoulder mussel, for a bit of mussel twitch. Now these are real bad buggers, mate, these are the ones that store it away in their minds, aww yerh, store it away in their heads, and then months later, months later, you’ll be walking past them and then, biff, they head butt yer, so mate you don’t those unpredictable bugger, aww know, aww know.
Now mate, what you are looking for, well it’s hard to put into words, mate, all I can say is that you will know it when you see it, you’ll just know it when you see it. They want be tense, they will be really relaxed and they’ll look at you with a little grin on their face, aww yerh, and you’ll just know what their thinking, they will be thinking, ‘you little devil’. There the ones your got to grab hold of with both hands and go for the ride because their the once you want, aww yerh, aww yerh.
Aww mate, aww mate, yer got to feel sorry for them blokes on that show mate, aww yerh, aww yerh, yer just got to look at them to see why they aren’t married. Their all young, skinny and muscles, arr mate, that’s not what women want, aww know, aww know. It’s like owning a Ferrari, aww mate, great for a week end but you wouldn’t want to own one, would yer. Highly tuned, highly strung, fragile and just about useless, aww yerh, aww yerh. Where you going to put a bail of hay or a bag of chook feed and imagine driving it across the paddock, it would drag its bum out.
No mate, what women want is more like an old Falcon or old Holden, something with a bit of substance to it, something that want let you down, you know what I saying. Those skinny, muscularly blokes, aww mate, aww mate, their not much use on a cold winter’s night, imagine having a bit of a cuddle, she’d end up all bruised from the mussels. Them blokes are as skinny as a match stick with the wood shaved off, they would have to walk around it the shower to get wet. Women want a bloke with a bit of fat on him, something to get whole off on a cold winters nights and like that well known pants man, James Bond, once said, ‘to share bodily warmth’, he know a thing or too that James Bond.
Yer know mate, I saw a preview for that Farmer Wants a Wife show the other night and I saw one of the blokes driving an automatic Ute. That bloke has no chance of finding a wife, no chance, no respectable woman is going to hitch her wagon to a bloke that drives an automatic Ute. Someone should of told that poor bugger, one of his mates should of taken him aside and given him a talking to, poor bugger he’s just making a goose of himself, poor bugger.
So mate if all those blokes had come to me before going on that show I could of sorted them out, no worries, and they would of found themselves a wife quick smart, no worries.
Malcolm
Chapter 10.
Aww mate, aww mate, aww yerh, I’ve got a dicky knee, aww yerh, you know how I got it, well mate, I’ll tell yer, aww yerh, hur hur hur. I was walking across the lower paddock, arr, I don’t know, it must have been, aww, may be, I don’t know, a long time ago. When I stepped in a rabbit hole, aww yerh, mate, and sort of wenched me knee, aww mate, sort of twisted it, if you know what I mean.
And mate, aww mate, its never been the same since, aww know, aww know, it give me a bit of jip now and then, you know what I’m saying, a bit of pain when the weather starts to cool down, aww yerh, aww yerh. Aww mate and when it’s about to rain, aww mate, it gets a bit stiff, doesn’t want to bend like it should, aww yerh.
Its part of life mate, part of the aging process, aww yerh, aww yerh, just something a blokes got to live with, you know what I’m saying, aww yerh, just life, hur hur hur.
Now mate, now mate, years ago my Old Man had a bull called John, eer mate, he had a dicky knee, aww yerh, aww yerh. You know how he got it mate? Hur hur hur, well mate, I’ll tell yer. This bull mate, was a bit of a gentle giant, aww yerh, but good at his job mate, aww yerh, fathered a lot of calves I can tell yer, aww yerh.
Any way mate, any way, we were going through a bit of a dry spell, a bit of a drought, so some of the dams were getting a bit low, about half empty, if you know what I mean. So mate the edges of the dams were getting a bit muddy, aww yerh, aww yerh. Well mate, this presented some problems mate, aww yerh, so you had to keep an eye on the dams just to make sure non of the animals got themselves stuck in the mud, aww yer.
Well mate, well mate, I was checking the dams this day when I spots John, aww mate, and was he stuck, aww yerh, well and truly stuck, bogged mate, that’s what he was, down to his belly, aww yerh. Now John’s a big bull mate, arr, he would have to weigh a good ton, aww yerh. aww yerh. So mate getting him out of the mud was going to take a bit of doing, I can tell yer, aww yerh.
So mate, I went off and got me Old Man as well as the old Massy Ferguson tractor. When the Old Man saw John in the mud he wanted to get the Vet out, as he didn’t think we could get the bugger out. Now mate poor old John was a fare way into the dam, aww yerh, so it was going to be difficult but we decided to give it a go. The old tractor had a front end loader attachment on it so I drove towards John till the bucket was over him, aww yerh, you know what I saying. But aww mate, old John was to far in, mate, so the old tractor went done, aw yerh, aww yerh, it wasn’t going any where further under its own power. Not to put to fine a point on it, it way bogged.
Now mate, I just lowered the bucket down to just over John, aww mate, but that was the easy bit, aww yerh, aww yerh, we had to get something under John, rope would not do as it would cut him in half. So we used some rubber mat from out of the back of the Ute, it was like conveyor belt, if you know what I mean. And mate, I can tell you, it took a bit of getting under the bugger, aww yerh, aww yerh. Me and the Old Man, knee deep in mud, digging under John, aww mate, it took a lot of time to get that rubber mat under old John, aww yerh.
Eventually we managed it, aww yerh, we had to drill some holes in the rubber mat and bolt some wood to it so we could then bolt some chain to the wood, aww yerh, mate, it was one hell of a job, I can tell you. Any way, mate the time came to try it out, aww mate, hur hur hur, so I climbed on to the tractor and started the bugger up.
Aww mate, aww mate, John was always going to be a challenge for the tractors hydraulics, specially as the mud was sucking him down, aww yerh, mate. So I revved the tractor and pulled back on the hydraulic lever and well, mate, the tractor groaned but instead of John going up the tractors rear wheel did, aww yerh, aww yerh.
So mate, so mate, I had to go off and get the old Fiat Bull Dozer from the back shed, aww yerh, and mate, that took a bit of time I can tell yer. Any way, mate, I come back with the old Dozer and lowered the blade on to the tractors draw bar and we then try again. And this time success, John slowly came up out of the mud, hur hur hur.
We weren’t out of the woods yet, mate, aww know, aww know, just imagine it, mate, John swinging in mid air off the end of the tractor, which is bogged and the only thing stopping John from falling back into the mud is the old Dozer, hur hur hur, mate.
I’ll tell you what we did next, aww yerh, well I used some chain to tire the blade of the Dozer to the tractors draw bar and the Old man drove the tractor and I drove the Dozer. We slowly backed out of the dam, all the time keeping downward pressure on the tractors draw bar, aww yerh, aww yerh. Much to my surprise it worked, we slowly backed out of the daw without any problems, can you believe it, aww mate.
Once out of the dam, aww mate, we still had John hanging from the tractor, aww yerh, aww yerh. Any way mate, we started up the pump and hosed the mud off poor old John and then lowered him down till his hooves were just touching the ground. John was starting to get a bit angary, aww yerh, aww yerh. He was snorting, digging at the ground, bellowing and thrashing his head about, aww yerh, you wouldn’t would to get in his way, aww know.
I stayed on the Dozer while the Old Man lowered John all the way down, aww mate, once he was free to move, aww mate, the bugger ran off towards the cows who had gathered around to see what was going on. Once the cows saw that John was a bit wound up they all ran away, hur hur hur, mate, so John started taking it all out on a round bail of hay. He was head butting it, charging at it, he then can over and did the same to the tractor and Dozer.
After a while, aww mate, John quietened down, but as he was walking around I could see he was limping, aww yerh, the bugger had hurt his knee. Aww mate, aww mate, that old John had a dicky knee for the rest of his days, he did, aww yerh. But I’ll tell yer mate, that old John went on performing his bull-ly duties for years, years mate, aww yerh.
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